Part 2

On Monday, November 9, 2009, one week after he was born into heaven, we had a funeral for our Samuel Edward. It was lovely in a way I never imagined. People came that I never would have dreamed would come. The whole management team from Head Start came except for one person. They all hugged me and said how there is no place else they would rather would be after I have done so much for them and the organization. The twins speech therapist came who is someone that is a great at what they do but sometimes annoys me (being late and such)! lol She came and stayed for the service. We had an hour for calling hours. The morning of I was worried it was too short but after 15 minutes of greeting people I thought it had been 45 minutes! That sucked, but we were so strong, I am so proud of us. The service was beautiful, our old priest came as a special request to the funeral home director (who was beyond amazing and wonderful) and just did the greatest service ever that truly made me feel better. After they dismissed everyone, we got to just go kneel over his casket for however long we wanted, I had DH give me a few minutes alone with him, I wanted to make sure I wouldn't regret leaving him too soon like I did about not holding him enough, I remember thinking how would I know when to it was enough but finally I just knew. Then we followed the hearse up, just hubby and I, to the cemetery. We just wanted to make sure he got there ok.

We left and came home where all of DH's aunts and uncles came in in whirlwind and dropped off so much food. We ate and ate with my family and it was great. I have never felt more loved and blessed. Someone commented early on that Samuel's gift was to show us how blessed and lucky we were and at the time I didn't see it that much but that day I truly saw it. I felt closer to DH than I ever have before. I even sat on his lap and we kissed and kissed and at that moment I thought, "ok, we can do this and be ok and even stronger, maybe."

The next day our marriage suffered a small bump in the road and it really hurt. I haven't been able to get back to that special place yet even though things are better with us now. I want to get back to that place so much. We go back and forth about trying for another baby even though others think that is crazy with the risk to me and the risk of losing another but I can't imagine not trying again, but even making out with DH is so hard. (FYI, the doctor said we can try again and we go in a few weeks to discuss the plan from here) Everywhere he touches me I just remember what it was like when I was pregnant. I want to enjoy it but just can't get there. DH swears it will get easier and says if we can't even make out we won't ever be able to try for another! I went about 2 weeks crying somewhat everyday. Now I have some good days and bad days. I know that all this is to be expected but that doesn't make it easier.

The night before we had to take the stuff to the funeral home that we wanted to be with him we finally went through the pictures and stuff. They were so amazing and I am so thankful for them. The night before the funeral I had decided that I wanted to get a frame and pick a picture to have at the funeral. I told DH and we picked one out and I went to buy a frame in the morning. I am so glad we did that; I wanted people to see that he was a real baby. A couple people did comment on how beautiful he was was and they were glad we had pictures. My mom was not happy about the picture being there, it was too hard for her. She was also the only person I offered to show the picture of me and him to that didn't want to see it. Also that day we went to the cemetery to see the plot, we had gone to pick one out when we left the hospital but I stayed in the car. When we went up this time the outline was marked out and I broke down and we had to leave, that was before we went to the funeral home, we tried again after and I did a little better the second time and was able to get out.

Please Pray for Stellan, MckMama, and family

hurting. . .

So I have not been able to post since the last time. I just haven't been able to face not being pregnant. I started testing at 10DPO and kept with the BFN. :( I tested the third time today, day 14 DPO, and got the same result. I have some cramps now. Part of me wants to remain optimistic about this, that maybe I didn't ovulate when I thought so there is still a chance, but part of me wants to face it and just move on. But move on to what?? Right now the hurt of not being pregnant, this first month TTC after our loss, is making a lot of old hurt fresh again, like ripping the scab off a wound. Right now I honestly don't want to try again. I don't want to go through this even one more time. I wonder how much my heart can take, and my marriage. The hurt I feel going through this turns me into a "B"! That is not fair to R, but its also not fair to R to not try again. I now that some many have gone through so much worse and tried again and lived to tell about it, but right now, right at this time, this hurt I feel right now is right up there next to the hurt when I lost the baby, which was the worst hurt I, personally, have ever felt. So I guess only time will tell. God knows what the future holds, I just hope I can learn to accept it.

tragedy gets worse

So this will be quick. DH and I want some alone time while everyone is sleeping! So I found out today that one of the survivors from the crash yesterday was a guy I graduated from HS with. His brother didn't make it and the brother's wife was on with him and six months pregnant. I guess they took the baby but it was just two soon and she didn't make it. The baby was a little girl I guess. Its hitting was close to home for DH and I since he wants a little girl so badly and we so just recently lost a baby. Part of me is angry that someone would even be on a bike that pregnant but they are getting a lot of flack on the newspaper website, who is doing a lot of shady reporting on it to begin with, from commenters so I will lay my judgement aside to only pray for this family that has experienced so much loss in such a short time. DH and I are praying a lot for them all. I trying to unite some class firends on facebook to do the same as well. Facebook is wonderful in that we are able is get out info so quickly.