new update. . . .

So my MFM doctor said whenever we were ready we could try again and the risks were the same no matter when we tried. Our hope is to lose some weight first and then try again though.

Lately I go to blogs of women that have lost babies and read their stories, compare them with mine, bawl my eyes out, sob uncontrollably. Yet I can't stop reading. I look for comparisons, I look at things like hearing they didn't get out of bed for weeks on end, knowing I did no such thing. I still had three kids to take care of. And then the guilt starts, I actually feel guilty for not being upset enough. Yes, I wanted to die from the emotional pain, still do sometimes, but I still functioned pretty well through it all.

I still cry at the drop of a hat. Just the other day I cried while at Sunday Mass because while kneeling after communion I saw my DH's friend who we had just picked as Samuel's godfather a couple weeks before, going up for communion and my first thought is, "Mike would have been the most perfect godfather, we finally picked a perfect godfather (my children's other godparents haven't been the ideal ones I thought they would lol) and our baby died" . . .I start to cry. . .then I think, "we have to try again, for Mike!" Seriously, is that dumb or what?? I cry when my mothers of twins group chips in to help out another member whose son is slowly becoming paralyzed because they are all so awesome and fed me and my family for weeks when we lost Samuel.

I even go check in on friends that were due at the same time as me (coming up feb 16) to look for updates, I look at pregnancy photos, to see what I shoould be doing, and cry the whole time. My DH tells me to stop torturing myself. But I just can't stop.

unhappy

So for the past almost 6 weeks I have been going by what my maternal fetal medicine doctor told me, to give it a month or two and we could try again. I have to admit it seemed too good to be true but I just wanted to believe it so bad. I have a friend I went to college with that is now an OB and has answered some questions for me since I had my miscarriage before Samuel so I asked her some more questions. She really had nothing but terrible, honest things to say. She talked about all the risks to me and a possible new baby if I get pregnant right away. It has broken my heart. She said I should wait 12-18 months to try again. So in light of this info I have filled my BCP prescription something I did not want to do. We go back to the MFM doc next week so we will ask him tons of questions including all the stuff that my friend said and go from there. Its killing me to take the pill each night. We want a baby so bad so it seems so wrong to take the pill. This has done things to me emotionally that I was not expecting, I feel like the most terrible wife for not being able to give my husband another baby like he wants.

people can be so dumb!

Some people can be so insensitive. I think a lot of it is from "the system" of everything but it still hurts when you are in a situation like mine. Here is what I experienced last week as an example.

I had a WIC appointment scheduled for the day after I delivered Samuel, while I was still in the hospital. My mom (or maybe my aunt, not sure who) called to cancel it for me and specifically told them what had happened. They said how sorry they were and all that and I could call to reschedule when I was ready. Well, I was finally ready last week so I called. The woman said she would grab my chart and put me on hold. She came back and asked when my due date was!!! Seriously? Did the last woman not think to maybe put a kind little note on my chart to let people know what had happened? So then I had to tell her and she had to play the whole "I am so sorry, blah, blah, blah" role. And then went on to tell me I needed to bring "proof" when I came. Like what lady? "Something from your doctor or soemthing, don't you have anything from your doctor?" NO! When they send you home empty handed without your baby in your arms or your belly they don't give you a note to provide to idiots to show proof that your baby passed away. I asked if the obituary would do, she hemmed and hawed and finally said she "thinks so!" So we will see when I go in just a little while how this works out. If I have to explain it all again, I very well might go postal on them. It is Monday after all, which means 5 weeks ago since Samuel and I got sick, 4 weeks since I delivered him, and 3 weeks since the funeral.

more :( in preparation for Thanksgiving and a rant and some thanks

I am having a hard time with the holidays. I don't want to celebrate them! I don't want time to move on and it seems its moving on without me. I don't want to pick out a headstone, I didn't want to get flowers for the grave (we got a small potted Christmas tree eventually for now), I didn't want to buy Thank You notes to send, I certainly don't want to fill them out and send them, I don't want to put the stuff away from the hospital and I most certainly don't want to celebrate any Holidays without my Samuel. I used to think I would be getting huge and more pregnant, shopping for baby stuff, eating tons and just enjoying life getting ready for our fourth son to arrive. And then for one week I thought if anything maybe he would be here and be in the NICU, at that time it seemed like the most terrible thing ever but now instead I am living out the terrible that I never imagined.

Some people were surprised that we had a funeral for Samuel. At one point DH almost didn't want to do it. I may have done it for the wrong reasons, I partly wanted to have the funeral to show he existed and that he was loved by a lot of people. And come to find out my MIL was first told that she would get three bereavement days but she had to schedule them around her company's "friends and family sale," so she had to take two days, work one and then have one off. Upon returning to work after the funeral she was told that she wouldn't in fact get paid for anytime off, they said since the baby never lived it was a miscarriage, apparently they have never heard of a stillbirth. They eventually said I wasn't far enough along for it to be a stillbirth, I have no idea why they think they know how far along I was. How about we tell it to the large gaping wound that was still bleeding in my stomach from delivering my baby, or how about they check the obituary, or I would even let them see pictures to prove my baby "existed". My MIL argued with them and ended up walking out; she has worked for the same company for 16 years!!!! They finally called her and said they would pay her for it but upon getting her check the next week they only paid her for one day! Seriously? Come on Raymour and Flanigan, God forbid anything this terrible ever happens to any of your loved ones. They then told her to consider herself lucky for getting the one day since our baby never lived!!!! My stepfather got 4 paid days off, my mom got three days but two weeks in total as they gave her family illness days to cover more time to take care of first my kids while DH was with me in the hospital and then me and the kids when they got the flu and DH went back to work. My mom's job also took up a collection that completely paid our costs and then some.

So I am so thankful for my mom's job being great to her and my family. Also I am a member of my local Mother of Twins group and also MOPS (mother of preschoolers) and when I was first int he hospital they asked what I needed help with and I told them I was concerned about meals for my family so they all stepped in and worked together and provided my family with meals for FOUR weeks every other night. It just stopped the other day. It was amazing! I felt so blessed to have so many people care about us. My local La Leche League Leaders also made a contribution to Sidelines (www.sidelines.org), which is an online support group for high risk pregnancies.

Also my DH used to work at the same store where MIL works for NINE years and one day he was hurt getting out of the truck (he was a delivery driver). There was no other way out of the truck, no steps, no liftgate, nothing so the only way out was to jump down out of the back, he had done this for nine years. While one day he got hurt while "jumping" down and they fired him for it. It was a huge mess with unemployment because the store tried to say he violated company policy (nothing in handbook) by jumping out but there was no other way out. Upon seeing pictures unemployment sided with us and let the claim go through, of course they appealed it TWICE, but he won. So I am also thankful that he got out when he did and got a better job (which allows him to be home all winter with me) with a pay cut though, but he is so much happier and that is what matters.

Part 2

On Monday, November 9, 2009, one week after he was born into heaven, we had a funeral for our Samuel Edward. It was lovely in a way I never imagined. People came that I never would have dreamed would come. The whole management team from Head Start came except for one person. They all hugged me and said how there is no place else they would rather would be after I have done so much for them and the organization. The twins speech therapist came who is someone that is a great at what they do but sometimes annoys me (being late and such)! lol She came and stayed for the service. We had an hour for calling hours. The morning of I was worried it was too short but after 15 minutes of greeting people I thought it had been 45 minutes! That sucked, but we were so strong, I am so proud of us. The service was beautiful, our old priest came as a special request to the funeral home director (who was beyond amazing and wonderful) and just did the greatest service ever that truly made me feel better. After they dismissed everyone, we got to just go kneel over his casket for however long we wanted, I had DH give me a few minutes alone with him, I wanted to make sure I wouldn't regret leaving him too soon like I did about not holding him enough, I remember thinking how would I know when to it was enough but finally I just knew. Then we followed the hearse up, just hubby and I, to the cemetery. We just wanted to make sure he got there ok.

We left and came home where all of DH's aunts and uncles came in in whirlwind and dropped off so much food. We ate and ate with my family and it was great. I have never felt more loved and blessed. Someone commented early on that Samuel's gift was to show us how blessed and lucky we were and at the time I didn't see it that much but that day I truly saw it. I felt closer to DH than I ever have before. I even sat on his lap and we kissed and kissed and at that moment I thought, "ok, we can do this and be ok and even stronger, maybe."

The next day our marriage suffered a small bump in the road and it really hurt. I haven't been able to get back to that special place yet even though things are better with us now. I want to get back to that place so much. We go back and forth about trying for another baby even though others think that is crazy with the risk to me and the risk of losing another but I can't imagine not trying again, but even making out with DH is so hard. (FYI, the doctor said we can try again and we go in a few weeks to discuss the plan from here) Everywhere he touches me I just remember what it was like when I was pregnant. I want to enjoy it but just can't get there. DH swears it will get easier and says if we can't even make out we won't ever be able to try for another! I went about 2 weeks crying somewhat everyday. Now I have some good days and bad days. I know that all this is to be expected but that doesn't make it easier.

The night before we had to take the stuff to the funeral home that we wanted to be with him we finally went through the pictures and stuff. They were so amazing and I am so thankful for them. The night before the funeral I had decided that I wanted to get a frame and pick a picture to have at the funeral. I told DH and we picked one out and I went to buy a frame in the morning. I am so glad we did that; I wanted people to see that he was a real baby. A couple people did comment on how beautiful he was was and they were glad we had pictures. My mom was not happy about the picture being there, it was too hard for her. She was also the only person I offered to show the picture of me and him to that didn't want to see it. Also that day we went to the cemetery to see the plot, we had gone to pick one out when we left the hospital but I stayed in the car. When we went up this time the outline was marked out and I broke down and we had to leave, that was before we went to the funeral home, we tried again after and I did a little better the second time and was able to get out.

Sometimes I don't like being a grown up!

Sometimes I don't like being a grown up! For instance, today (and the past two weeks) I have had to make repeated phone calls to the physical therapist for R from a workers' comp claim (that is another story for another day), I have had to call the doctor's office repeatedly, and most of all the *bleep bleep bleep* workers' comp carrier! Who I have come to dislike strongly, the guy won't return any of our calls and is never in the office.

Also I got a summons for jury duty. When I was a child I always thought jury duty would have been the coolest thing! lol But now with three children 4 and under, including one that still nurses, it doesn't seem so cool! So after two phone calls and a message left for the judge, I have resorted to writing a letter and mailing it certified to the judge. Only some states give family exemptions and of course this state isn't one!

Also I am still having a really hard time with the loss of our baby since Mother's Day. I want to talk about it and of course R doesn't want to. So what am I supposed to do? I don't want to upset my husband but there are just things I need to get out.

So today is a day that I don't like being a grown up!!!!

hurting and don't know what to do. . .

So since it was Mother's Day and all I spent a lot of time thinking about the baby that we lost barely two months ago. I feel like I have no closure. I have been thinking about how I am supposed to get it. It's so hard since I was not that far along, I really have nothing except for my two pregnancy tests. Nothing to hold onto when I am upset about "the baby we lost". That last statement is something in itself that I hate. "The baby," "the baby we lost," I hate that statement. We loved that baby from the moment we conceived it. I wanted so much for that little life, even though I was a little reluctant at first. I feel like I never got to mourn the loss of our baby. I feel like our baby deserves more than to be referred to the way that we do. I brought this up to my husband. (That in itself is touchy, I like to talk about the baby so I know I won't forget, he likes to just move on and not mention it, the problem being, I want to talk to him, he doesn't want to.) So I did some research and found out a lot of people name their losses. I think this would make me feel so much better, of course it would make my husband feel worse. I also hope to eventually get some piece of jewelry to memorialize the baby. I really would like to discuss naming the baby with him further but he just doesn't feel comfortable with it. I would like a gender neutral, cute name that would just make me think of a little angel baby. I like to think about of the baby as just that, a little baby with those cute fluffy wings and a halo watching over all of us. I know that seems ridiclous to him but I would like a positive image in my mind rather than the ultrasound of my empty womb.

It is sooooooo much harder since R and I grieve so much differently. He even had a picture of the pregnancy test in his phone from when we first had taken the test and after losing the baby he deleted it, and then told me he deleted it. This was like a slap across my face and a stab in my heart. I felt like he was deleting our baby's existence from our lives, I live everyday trying to make sure that doesn't happen. So what is a couple to do?

I was given this poem by a friend and it really sums up my feelings a lot.
Just Those Few Weeks
For those few weeks--
I had you to myself
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks--
I came to know youand to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinshed baby,
or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
Poem Copyright 1984 by Susan Erling Martinez

cycle 2???

So dreaded AF(aunt flo aka my period) came today. I just want to scream. And to make matters worse I have cramps that I think are going to kill me! Come on, this sucks bad enough to not be pregnant, does it have to physically hurt too? I have no idea what we will do now. I am completly mixed about it. I WANT A BABY, but I so don't want the pain that is coming from trying and how scared I will be if I get pregnant. So for tonight, we are just going to watch Idol and see who makes the top three. . .

hurting. . .

So I have not been able to post since the last time. I just haven't been able to face not being pregnant. I started testing at 10DPO and kept with the BFN. :( I tested the third time today, day 14 DPO, and got the same result. I have some cramps now. Part of me wants to remain optimistic about this, that maybe I didn't ovulate when I thought so there is still a chance, but part of me wants to face it and just move on. But move on to what?? Right now the hurt of not being pregnant, this first month TTC after our loss, is making a lot of old hurt fresh again, like ripping the scab off a wound. Right now I honestly don't want to try again. I don't want to go through this even one more time. I wonder how much my heart can take, and my marriage. The hurt I feel going through this turns me into a "B"! That is not fair to R, but its also not fair to R to not try again. I now that some many have gone through so much worse and tried again and lived to tell about it, but right now, right at this time, this hurt I feel right now is right up there next to the hurt when I lost the baby, which was the worst hurt I, personally, have ever felt. So I guess only time will tell. God knows what the future holds, I just hope I can learn to accept it.

back to normalcy?

So tomorrow DH finally goes back to work after a very long winter! He works in construction so spends his winters home. I did have him get some stuff done around the house during the off season but not nearly as much as I wanted. I was also hoping for a little more notice, than, um, tomorrow! Oh well.

So now I will have to get up and take the big boys to school which means I will have to get J up and around to take too. DH has been taking them all winter, which worked out well, since J does not sleep through the night so it gave me some more sleep, sometimes. It also meant there were a lot of days that we sat around wondering what to do or just going to do nothing, while housework suffered. I am hoping that I can get stuff back under control, particularly laundry! I really need to do a load each and every day and get it put away before dinner or everything just gets all messed up. Once I get behind, its really hard to get caught up! The load everyday doesn't include cloth diapers. I wash those generally every third day, unless either we have had some nasty ones or on the day that I should wash them I won't be able to. I so love my cloth diapers though. I get them from www.beebabottoms.com a WAHM makes them that I met at La Leche League.

Tomorrow there is a dance kind of thing for all the head start sites so I am thinking we might attend that, they provide pizza, so I wouldn't have to cook! I think we are going to head up to bed and maybe watch a little idol up there before going to sleep. I have been so exhausted, like beyond exhausted, barely functioning. I am hoping that its a good sign and hope to get a BFP soon. This is exactly how I felt the last time, when we were on our trip in CT. I finally tested then and got a BFP, to only lose the baby a couple of weeks later. So I am now 8 DPO so I will start testing in a few days.

tragedy gets worse

So this will be quick. DH and I want some alone time while everyone is sleeping! So I found out today that one of the survivors from the crash yesterday was a guy I graduated from HS with. His brother didn't make it and the brother's wife was on with him and six months pregnant. I guess they took the baby but it was just two soon and she didn't make it. The baby was a little girl I guess. Its hitting was close to home for DH and I since he wants a little girl so badly and we so just recently lost a baby. Part of me is angry that someone would even be on a bike that pregnant but they are getting a lot of flack on the newspaper website, who is doing a lot of shady reporting on it to begin with, from commenters so I will lay my judgement aside to only pray for this family that has experienced so much loss in such a short time. DH and I are praying a lot for them all. I trying to unite some class firends on facebook to do the same as well. Facebook is wonderful in that we are able is get out info so quickly.

terrible, terrible day

So, my morning started out great. J slept about 11 1/2 hours last night! This is a first since he was about 2 or 3 months old! So I brought him into bed with me to nurse him, DH was gone to help his cousin pour concrete, and he nursed very hard for about 5 minutes, then sat home and projectile vomited all over me. Thank God it was only my own breast milk, so it doesn't really bother me at all. Then he seemed a little better and nursed more. We all came downstairs. The big boys ate and J didn't want to, more because he thought his waffle was too hot though. So then the morning went on well. DH came home and did some work outside. I should also say that A had a slight fever yesterday. My twins occasionally get random fevers with no other symptoms.

The twins' speech therapist was coming for a session. I had cleaned. The ST came and all went well. J was acting better. Towards the end of the session DH got a fire call and I told him to go. My parents invited us for dinner so we were planning on doing that too. After the ST left I got the boys around and went to the van. We were going to try to get a look at the brush fire but it was a ways out so I gave up and headed back to go to the grocery store to get chips to take to dinner. There is basically only one grocery store that always has carts I can take all three kids in to the store alone and its across town. So I was heading up a local highway 2 lanes on each side divided by a median, 40 mph speed limit, heard a call for the local fire department, saying a motorcycle accident with three bikes on the very street I was on.

I looked up it was right there. I slowed way down and got in the opposite lane from it. I thought about what I should do, but its not like I am trained responder and I also had three kids with me so I just went by. I saw bikes and people laying everywhere it seemed. I will spare the gory details. I took the exit right by my house to pull over, DH called somewhere along the line because he knew I was out and headed in that direction. I was of course frantic after seeing everything so I was freaking out then finally managed to get him to understand that I wasn't involved but just saw it. So then I called my mom to see if we could just head over there. In the time that happened when I went back on the highway in the opposite direction they were already speeding one person away faster than I knew an ambulance could go. The highway on that side was closed until at least dark. We heard one girl was 6 months pregnant which basically angers me after losing a baby that someone could be so careless with a baby's life.

So to try to get this finished up, we do know at least one person was DOA. J ended up getting sick again as we went to go in my mom's house. So he just kind sat with me the rest of the day. DH ended up going out and I know I won't be able to sleep without him but think I will go try to rest on the couch. . .

1DPO and day one blogging!

So I think I am one DPO (days past ovulation). Not 100% sure since I only got a sort of positive on my OPK on Monday afternoon. I am going to go with Wednesday for my big O! lol Just feeling really impatient and terrified. I don't want to lose another. Sometimes I feel so scared I feel we shouldn't have even tried again. I wonder so often how people have taken one loss after another. I wasn't convinced we should have been trying when we lost the last one and now I forever will carry that guilt around that I wasn't convinced that I wanted the baby. I was miserable at first and just as soon as I was adjusting the baby was gone. So now I live with that guilt.

Here is some background since I am just starting this. I am J, I am 31, just for a couple of weeks! lol I have a DH, R (husband -for those not up witht his lingo!). Then I have twin sons, A and C from my first marriage. They just turned 4 a couple months ago. Then I have J, my 17, almost 18, month old son. Also I have my little sister who is almost 18 that lives with us, L. Are you following all this so far?

I am a SAHM, stay at home mom. (Boy, it seems like a lifetime ago that I learned all these terms now I use them like nothing and have to explain them to others!). DH is a driver for construction company. L is a lifeguard. A and C are in headstart. I am also the chairperson for the headstart council program here. I do a ton of other things too, more will come on that in time.

So how was that for my first blog post? I am not 100% sure about my plan for this, right now jsut want a place to express stuff and have to document my journies, in life, ttc. . .