new update. . . .

So my MFM doctor said whenever we were ready we could try again and the risks were the same no matter when we tried. Our hope is to lose some weight first and then try again though.

Lately I go to blogs of women that have lost babies and read their stories, compare them with mine, bawl my eyes out, sob uncontrollably. Yet I can't stop reading. I look for comparisons, I look at things like hearing they didn't get out of bed for weeks on end, knowing I did no such thing. I still had three kids to take care of. And then the guilt starts, I actually feel guilty for not being upset enough. Yes, I wanted to die from the emotional pain, still do sometimes, but I still functioned pretty well through it all.

I still cry at the drop of a hat. Just the other day I cried while at Sunday Mass because while kneeling after communion I saw my DH's friend who we had just picked as Samuel's godfather a couple weeks before, going up for communion and my first thought is, "Mike would have been the most perfect godfather, we finally picked a perfect godfather (my children's other godparents haven't been the ideal ones I thought they would lol) and our baby died" . . .I start to cry. . .then I think, "we have to try again, for Mike!" Seriously, is that dumb or what?? I cry when my mothers of twins group chips in to help out another member whose son is slowly becoming paralyzed because they are all so awesome and fed me and my family for weeks when we lost Samuel.

I even go check in on friends that were due at the same time as me (coming up feb 16) to look for updates, I look at pregnancy photos, to see what I shoould be doing, and cry the whole time. My DH tells me to stop torturing myself. But I just can't stop.

Part 2

On Monday, November 9, 2009, one week after he was born into heaven, we had a funeral for our Samuel Edward. It was lovely in a way I never imagined. People came that I never would have dreamed would come. The whole management team from Head Start came except for one person. They all hugged me and said how there is no place else they would rather would be after I have done so much for them and the organization. The twins speech therapist came who is someone that is a great at what they do but sometimes annoys me (being late and such)! lol She came and stayed for the service. We had an hour for calling hours. The morning of I was worried it was too short but after 15 minutes of greeting people I thought it had been 45 minutes! That sucked, but we were so strong, I am so proud of us. The service was beautiful, our old priest came as a special request to the funeral home director (who was beyond amazing and wonderful) and just did the greatest service ever that truly made me feel better. After they dismissed everyone, we got to just go kneel over his casket for however long we wanted, I had DH give me a few minutes alone with him, I wanted to make sure I wouldn't regret leaving him too soon like I did about not holding him enough, I remember thinking how would I know when to it was enough but finally I just knew. Then we followed the hearse up, just hubby and I, to the cemetery. We just wanted to make sure he got there ok.

We left and came home where all of DH's aunts and uncles came in in whirlwind and dropped off so much food. We ate and ate with my family and it was great. I have never felt more loved and blessed. Someone commented early on that Samuel's gift was to show us how blessed and lucky we were and at the time I didn't see it that much but that day I truly saw it. I felt closer to DH than I ever have before. I even sat on his lap and we kissed and kissed and at that moment I thought, "ok, we can do this and be ok and even stronger, maybe."

The next day our marriage suffered a small bump in the road and it really hurt. I haven't been able to get back to that special place yet even though things are better with us now. I want to get back to that place so much. We go back and forth about trying for another baby even though others think that is crazy with the risk to me and the risk of losing another but I can't imagine not trying again, but even making out with DH is so hard. (FYI, the doctor said we can try again and we go in a few weeks to discuss the plan from here) Everywhere he touches me I just remember what it was like when I was pregnant. I want to enjoy it but just can't get there. DH swears it will get easier and says if we can't even make out we won't ever be able to try for another! I went about 2 weeks crying somewhat everyday. Now I have some good days and bad days. I know that all this is to be expected but that doesn't make it easier.

The night before we had to take the stuff to the funeral home that we wanted to be with him we finally went through the pictures and stuff. They were so amazing and I am so thankful for them. The night before the funeral I had decided that I wanted to get a frame and pick a picture to have at the funeral. I told DH and we picked one out and I went to buy a frame in the morning. I am so glad we did that; I wanted people to see that he was a real baby. A couple people did comment on how beautiful he was was and they were glad we had pictures. My mom was not happy about the picture being there, it was too hard for her. She was also the only person I offered to show the picture of me and him to that didn't want to see it. Also that day we went to the cemetery to see the plot, we had gone to pick one out when we left the hospital but I stayed in the car. When we went up this time the outline was marked out and I broke down and we had to leave, that was before we went to the funeral home, we tried again after and I did a little better the second time and was able to get out.

very sad update part 1

On October 26, I just wasn't feeling well. I took my blood pressure and it was slightly elevated. Come evening, it was crazy high. I called my midwife office and got a call back and told her that I wasn't feeling right and what my BP readings were. She basically said I was way too early to be having high BP (I was just about 24 weeks), that home monitors read very high, that if in fact it was that high I would feel sick and have a headache (which I did and that was why I took my BP to begin with!). She told me to come into the office in the morning and not to worry. Well, hubby and I were not happy with that. My 18 year old sister was here too and she was upset too. I decided to call the hospital and speak to a labor and delivery nurse. I told the nurse what was going on, she told me that it was only a nurse I had spoke with (I haven't been going to my office for a while but the name didn't sound familiar) and that I should call back and ask for the midwife to call back instead. I called the answering service which only knew nothing and had the nurse call me back again, she was very rude and only said that if I was worried to go to the hospital. DH had to work in the morning and figured nothing too exciting would happen and he would stay to rest and my sister and I would go. We got there and they just put me in a L&D triage room where my BP was even higher. They called the midwife who called my maternal fetal medicine doctor who said it was no big deal he would just come in and check things out. My sister called my mom who said she would come over. They wanted blood work and of course I have terrible veins. The nurses tried twice and search and searched my veins, I was crying. A guy from the lab finally came and got it with no problems. (After my sister almost passed out!) My mom was there, the doctor came in put the ultrasound probe on my belly and immediately said the baby looked too small. Samuel measured about two weeks behind. About 3.5 weeks before he was perfect. My fluid was low, my placenta didn't look very good and the blood flow to the baby was terrible. My world shattered at the moment. My mom just about passed out at that point, had to take off her coat, then sit on the floor, then lay on the floor, then they got her juice. I was given steroids to mature his lungs in the event he made it two more weeks and we were forced to deliver. My blood work and urine results were bad as well, my kidneys were starting to be damaged and I had protein in my urine so basically I had a very early onset, serious case of preeclampsia so I was admitted.

I stayed in the hospital for two nights, was sent home to take it easy on BP meds. We were worried because my life was really in danger from the high BP but lowering it only would hurt the baby more and make the blood flow worse. I was barely feeling him move anymore but we had a doppler at home and were able to keep checking on him. The day after I left the hospital I called to say I hadn't felt him move in quite some so they had me come in. I thought for sure he was gone, but he was fine, and just saving his energy for growing and surviving. They told me it was going to be very hard because I wouldn't feel him move because he was so sick.

We celebrated Halloween and a scaled down birthday for J. I couldn't go trick or treating with them since I was supposed to take it easy. Occasionally I still felt him move though. On Sunday 11/1, we had the small party for J. Before anyone got here we listened to Samuel with the doppler, he was up much higher and we took this as a good sign and were feeling so much better. After everyone was gone, it was almost dinnertime and we went to try again and no luck. We tried for hours. My doctor said we could go in and have the nurse try but he was probably gone and then we would discuss delivery the next day in the office since it was currently Sunday night.

We went in and the nurse couldn't find him either, he was gone. He waited until after Halloween and J's party but then went quietly. We were devastated. The next day we went to confirm and to plan delivery. My blood pressure was even worse and I had begun to have chest pain from the high blood pressure, which probably only worse from the stress. They doubled my dose of meds the night before at the hospital to get me through anyway and gave me an hour to go home, get my stuff together and head to the hospital for a c-section.

We went home in a daze, Randy made a few calls I couldn't stand to listen to. I texted people and updated on facebook since so many people had been praying for us since the first time I had been admitted. Of course there, they couldn't get my IV in but we had the greatest nurse who really was so sensitive to us and our needs. I am so thankful for her.

Samuel was delivered into heaven at 4:30pm, weighing 1 pound and 4 oz and 12 inches long. At first we weren't sure if we wanted to see him. The nurse and my aunt talked to us and said if we saw him we wouldn't regret it but might regret if we didn't see him. DH was more unsure than I was. We finally decided we would see him. It was both the hardest and greatest moment of my life since instead of spending the rest of my life with him I only had right then. Only I held him. He had the longest fingers, my aunt had already held him and was there when the priest came to bless him and told us about his fingers and toes. We held him and cried and I asked DH to leave to spend a minute alone with him and then the nurse came and took him. We could have kept him with us longer but I couldn't get out of bed and DH was scared to hold him so at the time it just made sense to let him go, I still regret not spending more time with him. DH did take one picture of me holding him with his phone which we cherish very much.

My hospital stay was kind of miserable but I really wouldn't expect anything else. The medicine to make sure I didn't have a seizure (magnesium sulfate) makes you feel like crap. I was bruised all over my arms from being admitted (IV attempts) and blood pressure readings and still had bruises from the week before. My incision was constantly bleeding so bad we had to keep a pad on it and every time I saw it made me feel really woozy! I went home on the third day.

We were sent home with pamphlets, the outfit he wore when we met him, pictures the nurse took (which took us a few days to look at), his hat, the wrist bands we would have all wore, blankets, a small dog, a bigger angel bear, and a small "remembrance ring". All the special stuff they used in his pictures. He went to the funeral home in another outfit that we have pictures of him with. We also took the angel bear, the blanket my mom made for his baptism (I still can't believe she got it finished, it was almost finished when all this started), and a rosary that was my grandmother's that was a small hand one to the funeral home to go in his casket.

The funeral home was amazing, they charged us full price for the casket and then 10% is all we had to pay of everything else, they also wrote it up differently, like it was just graveside since that was cheaper, even though it was at the funeral home and we had calling hours and then a service. I also had started to get upset in the hospital since we hadn't got prayer cards, a book for people to sign or the temporary marker for the cemetery. DH called the funeral home director who said he was just giving us all that for no charge. The plot at the cemetery was also no charge since we got a plot in the baby section. DH's uncle works for the town so he dug the hole so there wasn't a charge for that either.

I thought I was supposed to be happy. . .

I thought I was supposed to be happy but instead I am miserable. Why, you ask? I am scared all the time about this pregnancy and the baby, scared that the doctors aren't listening to me as much as they should that all this cramping and spotting and pain is not ok. I constantly worry about me and the baby and wonder what it is I need to say to the doctors to get them to take me seriously to check things out thoroughly. I am not someone who any of my doctors would consider me a hypochondriac. Instead I am someone that is in touch with my body and educated, does research and can a lot of times self diagnose herself. I can name numerous times that I have done this successfully but honestly can not name one single time I have not been right about my health. I wonder why I hear stories about women going to the doctor and saying the same things I have been saying and they get checked out and end up with more restrictions, more medications, and more care. Yet I struggle to even get anyone to listen to me.

I wonder why I am still struggling at over thirty years of age with feeling like people don't like me. Why I try so hard and it never works. I wonder why people keep telling me to take it easy and tell me to rest yet some of these same people make comments about my house not looking perfect. I wonder when I will feel like myself again and wonder who myself even is anymore, I am not sure I remember. I miss friends that I feel like I lost with my first marriage ending or probably even before that, maybe when I moved away. I wonder what will happen now that it appears my milk has dried up. I so enjoy nursing and know J does too.

Sometimes I don't like being a grown up!

Sometimes I don't like being a grown up! For instance, today (and the past two weeks) I have had to make repeated phone calls to the physical therapist for R from a workers' comp claim (that is another story for another day), I have had to call the doctor's office repeatedly, and most of all the *bleep bleep bleep* workers' comp carrier! Who I have come to dislike strongly, the guy won't return any of our calls and is never in the office.

Also I got a summons for jury duty. When I was a child I always thought jury duty would have been the coolest thing! lol But now with three children 4 and under, including one that still nurses, it doesn't seem so cool! So after two phone calls and a message left for the judge, I have resorted to writing a letter and mailing it certified to the judge. Only some states give family exemptions and of course this state isn't one!

Also I am still having a really hard time with the loss of our baby since Mother's Day. I want to talk about it and of course R doesn't want to. So what am I supposed to do? I don't want to upset my husband but there are just things I need to get out.

So today is a day that I don't like being a grown up!!!!