reality has hit. . .

So I am currently 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I have a complete placenta previa, which my midwife had the unfortunate duty of telling me that my chances of it going away with my ob history (2 c-sections and a crazy big twin birth previously) and the postion its in now are basically worse than slim to none. Eneryone immeadicately thinks my biggest concern is having to have a c-section, well I am already planning one of those, a vaginal birth isn't safe after my uterus has been stretched so much. My twins were just 2 ounces short of a combined weight of 15 pounds and my singleton was over 11 pounds. My concern is pre-term labor and bleeding. Well. . . and the probably inevitable bed rest with three little ones at home and some community responsibilities that I can't shirk (is that the right word?) out on.

I have been having a lot of cramping and luckily so far just the occasional spotting. Unfortunately, the cramping is so bad at times it keeps me up at night, that and the fear of all this. So this morning I decided to take the boys for brea*kfast because I was STARVING! I was thinking that after I would run up to Walmart for a few things, mainly the lemonade I crave like . . .um. . .lemonade-aholic!!! I realized that I couldn't since I couldn't lift the twins into a cart. After eating I thought I would go to another grocery store that has parking for pregnant women and also carts that hold all my children, which is no small feat. Upon almost getting there I realized that I just wasn't feeling up to it with my cramping and back pain. . . . . . .

I know that I am supposed to be happy that the baby looks happy and healthy right now but I am almost too scared to be happy about that right now.