Thursday, May 21, 2009

A Tale of Two Social Networkers. . .

So being its Memorial Weekend (almost) I thought I would share a story of three years ago around this time. I think its going to take more than one post so this is just the first part.

I have to start a little before that though, maybe in January or so. I decided I was ready to date again after a bad marriage. I put a lot of thought into it. My boys were about to be 1 year old. My thought were two fold, 1) I was thinking that since the boys were so young in the event that I had to kiss a few toads to find my price at least they wouldn't remember and 2) that in the even I found my prince I hoped that the boys would just remember him always being around (and that MY prince, well our prince really, would want to raise the boys as his own) as dad.

So being that even after working outside the home for a while I hadn't had any prospects, even though I wasn't really looking yet, I decided that I needed some help. I joined an internet dating site. I found a couple guys I briefly dated, some I met, some I only talked to. More than anything I just got hurt, not too bad though, but any hurt is enough. I think the reason was I was looking for the wrong guy! I thought that someone that had at least a child of their own would more understand what I was going through, that didn't end up being the case. I actually got stood up on my birthday and while at the bar that night with friends ran into an old friend from high school who tried to introduce me to a guy who looked a little more than slightly intoxicated but I paid no attention to him, didn't look like my type.

So around this time three years ago I had a realization; it had two parts. When I first started dating, or decided to at least, American Idol was on, Season 5 I believe. It was when they first show people trying out and highlight some. Chris Daughtry was one of those people. They told this whole little story about how he raised his girlfriend's kids as his own, and how she loved him so much, blah blah blah. I remember at the time telling my mom I needed my own Chris Daughtry! The other part of my realization was I thought I wanted someone like my step-father, yes, the man that I spent quite a lot of time hating growing up, or "dis-liking strongly" at least! He is definitely someone I would consider "a dork," some that I would think people would wonder why my mom was with him or how he got so lucky. (Of course she thinks he is amazingly sexy, and remembers him coming into high school to see his then current girlfriend with a motorcycle helmet and chest hair sticking out of the top of his shirt! more on chest hair later!) The point is though that he adores her! He would do anything for her and also loved her enough to love me too, even when I was difficult and "dis-liked him strongly!" So I thought if I could find my own "dork" that maybe didn't get a lot of luck with the girls he would think I was great! I know, it sounds terrible!

So of all places I went on myspace. Now, I do not condone my actions, I lucked out, God watched out for me. Internet dating can be dangerous, but there are safe ways to do it, not my ways though! I went looking for a man with certain age restrictions (don't remember what now), height, and asked for "children someday," I wanted them to want children, but not have any yet. So I got a bunch back from my criteria and then went through looking for the dorkier, or shall we say, "not as loved by the girls?" So then I sent out friend requests, I started with maybe 20 requests, knowing not everyone would accept. I wasn't sure the plan from this point though! So on May 29, 2006 I got a comment left for me that said "bandwith exceeded" from photobucket. Now I was still pretty new to myspace and stuff so I didn't know what it meant. So I sent a comment back to the guy saying that his comment didn't come up. He sent a message back and said he could see it and wasn't sure why. Here is the text from our first few messages (after I said I couldn't see the comment):

yeah that is weird beside it being to hot out i had a good weekend how was yours

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: not just a pretty face for ur top8Date: May 29, 2006 4:11 PM

hmmm, thats funny I still can't see it. I am sure it will reset itself eventually and then I can see it too. Hopw you had a good holiday weekend.

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: RDate: May 29, 2006 7:05 PM

i just looked its there. i dont know. i was. Thanks for the add

So then we were answering bulletins and getting to know each other that way. So then we had a funny little exchange about the bulletins and I asked if he used any messengers. He said he did and we started talking that way. I remember coming home from work and getting right on while the kids were eating to chat with him. Looking back our conversations were really funny. It was as if we were both trying to flirt with each other but do it it in a fun "joking" way so that if the other party wasn't wanting it to lead that way, it was OK, because we were just playing. Like their were these little animated icons that said funny flirting things and we would say "hey, check this one out. . .lol!" Then it grew somehow into something we started saying about "no kisses for you" from one of those icon characters that blew kisses. I remember thinking I would just keep doing it all in a fun way so that if he didn't really like me it was OK, because he would just think I was joking then. Turns out he was just a year ahead of in high school. We didn't travel in the same circles though so we didn't know each other. I did think though that since he went to my high school and knew a lot of people I knew, had a good job, he had two cars and a motorcycle (which I cleverly found out by asking, saying I could save him money since I sold insurance!)

So I was thinking I wanted to meet him, so on Saturday, June 3, 2006, we were chatting that night and started asking what the other one was doing that night. I, of course, was staying home with the twins. He said he didn't "think he was going out," so I said "well if I asked you to come over do you think you would want to" and he said yes in some clever way so we made plans. He came over that night, but only after exchanging phone numbers in case anything came up in the meantime. I had to get the boys to bed and stuff. I did have to text him and push it back a little. So then I was in our bathroom and noticed a truck outside just sitting there with him in it, I called him and told him to come in laughing at him. I met him at the front door. He came in and sat down and we watched TV. He didn't talk much so I talked incessantly! He finally left probably around 1am, I thought he was sweet but was slightly annoyed he hadn't talked but hoped that funny, flirtly guy that had been chatting with me was in there someplace. I loved he didn't try to kiss me when he left.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Sometimes I don't like being a grown up!

Sometimes I don't like being a grown up! For instance, today (and the past two weeks) I have had to make repeated phone calls to the physical therapist for R from a workers' comp claim (that is another story for another day), I have had to call the doctor's office repeatedly, and most of all the *bleep bleep bleep* workers' comp carrier! Who I have come to dislike strongly, the guy won't return any of our calls and is never in the office.

Also I got a summons for jury duty. When I was a child I always thought jury duty would have been the coolest thing! lol But now with three children 4 and under, including one that still nurses, it doesn't seem so cool! So after two phone calls and a message left for the judge, I have resorted to writing a letter and mailing it certified to the judge. Only some states give family exemptions and of course this state isn't one!

Also I am still having a really hard time with the loss of our baby since Mother's Day. I want to talk about it and of course R doesn't want to. So what am I supposed to do? I don't want to upset my husband but there are just things I need to get out.

So today is a day that I don't like being a grown up!!!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

hurting and don't know what to do. . .

So since it was Mother's Day and all I spent a lot of time thinking about the baby that we lost barely two months ago. I feel like I have no closure. I have been thinking about how I am supposed to get it. It's so hard since I was not that far along, I really have nothing except for my two pregnancy tests. Nothing to hold onto when I am upset about "the baby we lost". That last statement is something in itself that I hate. "The baby," "the baby we lost," I hate that statement. We loved that baby from the moment we conceived it. I wanted so much for that little life, even though I was a little reluctant at first. I feel like I never got to mourn the loss of our baby. I feel like our baby deserves more than to be referred to the way that we do. I brought this up to my husband. (That in itself is touchy, I like to talk about the baby so I know I won't forget, he likes to just move on and not mention it, the problem being, I want to talk to him, he doesn't want to.) So I did some research and found out a lot of people name their losses. I think this would make me feel so much better, of course it would make my husband feel worse. I also hope to eventually get some piece of jewelry to memorialize the baby. I really would like to discuss naming the baby with him further but he just doesn't feel comfortable with it. I would like a gender neutral, cute name that would just make me think of a little angel baby. I like to think about of the baby as just that, a little baby with those cute fluffy wings and a halo watching over all of us. I know that seems ridiclous to him but I would like a positive image in my mind rather than the ultrasound of my empty womb.

It is sooooooo much harder since R and I grieve so much differently. He even had a picture of the pregnancy test in his phone from when we first had taken the test and after losing the baby he deleted it, and then told me he deleted it. This was like a slap across my face and a stab in my heart. I felt like he was deleting our baby's existence from our lives, I live everyday trying to make sure that doesn't happen. So what is a couple to do?

I was given this poem by a friend and it really sums up my feelings a lot.
Just Those Few Weeks
For those few weeks--
I had you to myself
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks--
I came to know youand to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinshed baby,
or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
Poem Copyright 1984 by Susan Erling Martinez

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

cycle 2???

So dreaded AF(aunt flo aka my period) came today. I just want to scream. And to make matters worse I have cramps that I think are going to kill me! Come on, this sucks bad enough to not be pregnant, does it have to physically hurt too? I have no idea what we will do now. I am completly mixed about it. I WANT A BABY, but I so don't want the pain that is coming from trying and how scared I will be if I get pregnant. So for tonight, we are just going to watch Idol and see who makes the top three. . .

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

hurting. . .

So I have not been able to post since the last time. I just haven't been able to face not being pregnant. I started testing at 10DPO and kept with the BFN. :( I tested the third time today, day 14 DPO, and got the same result. I have some cramps now. Part of me wants to remain optimistic about this, that maybe I didn't ovulate when I thought so there is still a chance, but part of me wants to face it and just move on. But move on to what?? Right now the hurt of not being pregnant, this first month TTC after our loss, is making a lot of old hurt fresh again, like ripping the scab off a wound. Right now I honestly don't want to try again. I don't want to go through this even one more time. I wonder how much my heart can take, and my marriage. The hurt I feel going through this turns me into a "B"! That is not fair to R, but its also not fair to R to not try again. I now that some many have gone through so much worse and tried again and lived to tell about it, but right now, right at this time, this hurt I feel right now is right up there next to the hurt when I lost the baby, which was the worst hurt I, personally, have ever felt. So I guess only time will tell. God knows what the future holds, I just hope I can learn to accept it.