Monday, May 11, 2009

hurting and don't know what to do. . .

So since it was Mother's Day and all I spent a lot of time thinking about the baby that we lost barely two months ago. I feel like I have no closure. I have been thinking about how I am supposed to get it. It's so hard since I was not that far along, I really have nothing except for my two pregnancy tests. Nothing to hold onto when I am upset about "the baby we lost". That last statement is something in itself that I hate. "The baby," "the baby we lost," I hate that statement. We loved that baby from the moment we conceived it. I wanted so much for that little life, even though I was a little reluctant at first. I feel like I never got to mourn the loss of our baby. I feel like our baby deserves more than to be referred to the way that we do. I brought this up to my husband. (That in itself is touchy, I like to talk about the baby so I know I won't forget, he likes to just move on and not mention it, the problem being, I want to talk to him, he doesn't want to.) So I did some research and found out a lot of people name their losses. I think this would make me feel so much better, of course it would make my husband feel worse. I also hope to eventually get some piece of jewelry to memorialize the baby. I really would like to discuss naming the baby with him further but he just doesn't feel comfortable with it. I would like a gender neutral, cute name that would just make me think of a little angel baby. I like to think about of the baby as just that, a little baby with those cute fluffy wings and a halo watching over all of us. I know that seems ridiclous to him but I would like a positive image in my mind rather than the ultrasound of my empty womb.

It is sooooooo much harder since R and I grieve so much differently. He even had a picture of the pregnancy test in his phone from when we first had taken the test and after losing the baby he deleted it, and then told me he deleted it. This was like a slap across my face and a stab in my heart. I felt like he was deleting our baby's existence from our lives, I live everyday trying to make sure that doesn't happen. So what is a couple to do?

I was given this poem by a friend and it really sums up my feelings a lot.
Just Those Few Weeks
For those few weeks--
I had you to myself
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks--
I came to know youand to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinshed baby,
or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
Poem Copyright 1984 by Susan Erling Martinez


Mike and Katie said...

I am sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you as you work through grieving with your husband.