Tuesday, May 5, 2009

hurting. . .

So I have not been able to post since the last time. I just haven't been able to face not being pregnant. I started testing at 10DPO and kept with the BFN. :( I tested the third time today, day 14 DPO, and got the same result. I have some cramps now. Part of me wants to remain optimistic about this, that maybe I didn't ovulate when I thought so there is still a chance, but part of me wants to face it and just move on. But move on to what?? Right now the hurt of not being pregnant, this first month TTC after our loss, is making a lot of old hurt fresh again, like ripping the scab off a wound. Right now I honestly don't want to try again. I don't want to go through this even one more time. I wonder how much my heart can take, and my marriage. The hurt I feel going through this turns me into a "B"! That is not fair to R, but its also not fair to R to not try again. I now that some many have gone through so much worse and tried again and lived to tell about it, but right now, right at this time, this hurt I feel right now is right up there next to the hurt when I lost the baby, which was the worst hurt I, personally, have ever felt. So I guess only time will tell. God knows what the future holds, I just hope I can learn to accept it.