new update. . . .

So my MFM doctor said whenever we were ready we could try again and the risks were the same no matter when we tried. Our hope is to lose some weight first and then try again though.

Lately I go to blogs of women that have lost babies and read their stories, compare them with mine, bawl my eyes out, sob uncontrollably. Yet I can't stop reading. I look for comparisons, I look at things like hearing they didn't get out of bed for weeks on end, knowing I did no such thing. I still had three kids to take care of. And then the guilt starts, I actually feel guilty for not being upset enough. Yes, I wanted to die from the emotional pain, still do sometimes, but I still functioned pretty well through it all.

I still cry at the drop of a hat. Just the other day I cried while at Sunday Mass because while kneeling after communion I saw my DH's friend who we had just picked as Samuel's godfather a couple weeks before, going up for communion and my first thought is, "Mike would have been the most perfect godfather, we finally picked a perfect godfather (my children's other godparents haven't been the ideal ones I thought they would lol) and our baby died" . . .I start to cry. . .then I think, "we have to try again, for Mike!" Seriously, is that dumb or what?? I cry when my mothers of twins group chips in to help out another member whose son is slowly becoming paralyzed because they are all so awesome and fed me and my family for weeks when we lost Samuel.

I even go check in on friends that were due at the same time as me (coming up feb 16) to look for updates, I look at pregnancy photos, to see what I shoould be doing, and cry the whole time. My DH tells me to stop torturing myself. But I just can't stop.