Friday, January 29, 2010

new update. . . .

So my MFM doctor said whenever we were ready we could try again and the risks were the same no matter when we tried. Our hope is to lose some weight first and then try again though.

Lately I go to blogs of women that have lost babies and read their stories, compare them with mine, bawl my eyes out, sob uncontrollably. Yet I can't stop reading. I look for comparisons, I look at things like hearing they didn't get out of bed for weeks on end, knowing I did no such thing. I still had three kids to take care of. And then the guilt starts, I actually feel guilty for not being upset enough. Yes, I wanted to die from the emotional pain, still do sometimes, but I still functioned pretty well through it all.

I still cry at the drop of a hat. Just the other day I cried while at Sunday Mass because while kneeling after communion I saw my DH's friend who we had just picked as Samuel's godfather a couple weeks before, going up for communion and my first thought is, "Mike would have been the most perfect godfather, we finally picked a perfect godfather (my children's other godparents haven't been the ideal ones I thought they would lol) and our baby died" . . .I start to cry. . .then I think, "we have to try again, for Mike!" Seriously, is that dumb or what?? I cry when my mothers of twins group chips in to help out another member whose son is slowly becoming paralyzed because they are all so awesome and fed me and my family for weeks when we lost Samuel.

I even go check in on friends that were due at the same time as me (coming up feb 16) to look for updates, I look at pregnancy photos, to see what I shoould be doing, and cry the whole time. My DH tells me to stop torturing myself. But I just can't stop.

7 comments:

Rebekah said...

I used to compare myself to others too. I finally realized that I just needed to grieve as I felt like grieving- though it does help me feel normal when I see others have similar experiences to mine.
Peace & love to you!

j said...

i know what you mean. i would read stories and cry and then one day that part shifted to just being sorry that it happened to me. i have replayed the miscarriage so many times in my head. i was just wondering when it will finally pass, no the sadness over the baby because i think that will always be a part of my life, but those overwhelming emotions tha hit me like a mack truck.

j said...

p.s. i am glad you are writing again. it will help you not feel so alone.

Alicia said...

Hi, I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I go and read sad stories as some sort of comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who has lost a child. I have started to just now write down the birth story and feelings I had and still have when my sweet son passed away and it was 5 years ago. If you need anybody to talk with I am here.

Tiffany said...

Oh hon. I will not pretend to know what you are going through. I am so very sorry. I will be praying that you feel an overwhelming peace and love from God. What a horrible, terrible thing to have to experience.

Taiya said...

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time! I can't even comprehend this! All I can do is offer to pray for you, since I wouldn't know what to say. I hope you can find some peace soon. Even that sounds bad, but I hope you understand how i mean that.

Mike and Katie said...

I think of you often when I want to complain about being pregnant. You are in my thoughts and prayers.