part 2 of meeting DH, the abbreviated edition

So since I never did the second half of meeting my DH and I figured my blog could use a nice happy entry! You can see the first half here .

So after that first night we talked the next day and he came back over that evening, I think he might have seen the kids for the first time that night (who were not very fond of him, they were shy) and after they went to bed we watched a movie and helld hands for the first time. (Aww) He also asked if he could kiss me, which I thought it was funny how funny he asked and told him no (I'm mean and a B* like that sometimes!). The next day he took me out for ice cream, Monday. By that Friday we were falling in love. By the next weekend he asked me to marry him. We kept it quiet at first for another month or so and then go the ring. I was pregnant by the end of the following February with J. We found out we were pregnant the night of the twins second birthday party. We were then married the following July (so right after our second anniversary of meeting).

new update. . . .

So my MFM doctor said whenever we were ready we could try again and the risks were the same no matter when we tried. Our hope is to lose some weight first and then try again though.

Lately I go to blogs of women that have lost babies and read their stories, compare them with mine, bawl my eyes out, sob uncontrollably. Yet I can't stop reading. I look for comparisons, I look at things like hearing they didn't get out of bed for weeks on end, knowing I did no such thing. I still had three kids to take care of. And then the guilt starts, I actually feel guilty for not being upset enough. Yes, I wanted to die from the emotional pain, still do sometimes, but I still functioned pretty well through it all.

I still cry at the drop of a hat. Just the other day I cried while at Sunday Mass because while kneeling after communion I saw my DH's friend who we had just picked as Samuel's godfather a couple weeks before, going up for communion and my first thought is, "Mike would have been the most perfect godfather, we finally picked a perfect godfather (my children's other godparents haven't been the ideal ones I thought they would lol) and our baby died" . . .I start to cry. . .then I think, "we have to try again, for Mike!" Seriously, is that dumb or what?? I cry when my mothers of twins group chips in to help out another member whose son is slowly becoming paralyzed because they are all so awesome and fed me and my family for weeks when we lost Samuel.

I even go check in on friends that were due at the same time as me (coming up feb 16) to look for updates, I look at pregnancy photos, to see what I shoould be doing, and cry the whole time. My DH tells me to stop torturing myself. But I just can't stop.

unhappy

So for the past almost 6 weeks I have been going by what my maternal fetal medicine doctor told me, to give it a month or two and we could try again. I have to admit it seemed too good to be true but I just wanted to believe it so bad. I have a friend I went to college with that is now an OB and has answered some questions for me since I had my miscarriage before Samuel so I asked her some more questions. She really had nothing but terrible, honest things to say. She talked about all the risks to me and a possible new baby if I get pregnant right away. It has broken my heart. She said I should wait 12-18 months to try again. So in light of this info I have filled my BCP prescription something I did not want to do. We go back to the MFM doc next week so we will ask him tons of questions including all the stuff that my friend said and go from there. Its killing me to take the pill each night. We want a baby so bad so it seems so wrong to take the pill. This has done things to me emotionally that I was not expecting, I feel like the most terrible wife for not being able to give my husband another baby like he wants.

Giveaway!

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To enter click HERE.

people can be so dumb!

Some people can be so insensitive. I think a lot of it is from "the system" of everything but it still hurts when you are in a situation like mine. Here is what I experienced last week as an example.

I had a WIC appointment scheduled for the day after I delivered Samuel, while I was still in the hospital. My mom (or maybe my aunt, not sure who) called to cancel it for me and specifically told them what had happened. They said how sorry they were and all that and I could call to reschedule when I was ready. Well, I was finally ready last week so I called. The woman said she would grab my chart and put me on hold. She came back and asked when my due date was!!! Seriously? Did the last woman not think to maybe put a kind little note on my chart to let people know what had happened? So then I had to tell her and she had to play the whole "I am so sorry, blah, blah, blah" role. And then went on to tell me I needed to bring "proof" when I came. Like what lady? "Something from your doctor or soemthing, don't you have anything from your doctor?" NO! When they send you home empty handed without your baby in your arms or your belly they don't give you a note to provide to idiots to show proof that your baby passed away. I asked if the obituary would do, she hemmed and hawed and finally said she "thinks so!" So we will see when I go in just a little while how this works out. If I have to explain it all again, I very well might go postal on them. It is Monday after all, which means 5 weeks ago since Samuel and I got sick, 4 weeks since I delivered him, and 3 weeks since the funeral.

Really, can I be honest?

Ok, when people ask how my Thanksgiving was that know what happened to us, do they want an honest answer? "It was crappy, thanks. Remember, my baby just died? How was yours?"

more :( in preparation for Thanksgiving and a rant and some thanks

I am having a hard time with the holidays. I don't want to celebrate them! I don't want time to move on and it seems its moving on without me. I don't want to pick out a headstone, I didn't want to get flowers for the grave (we got a small potted Christmas tree eventually for now), I didn't want to buy Thank You notes to send, I certainly don't want to fill them out and send them, I don't want to put the stuff away from the hospital and I most certainly don't want to celebrate any Holidays without my Samuel. I used to think I would be getting huge and more pregnant, shopping for baby stuff, eating tons and just enjoying life getting ready for our fourth son to arrive. And then for one week I thought if anything maybe he would be here and be in the NICU, at that time it seemed like the most terrible thing ever but now instead I am living out the terrible that I never imagined.

Some people were surprised that we had a funeral for Samuel. At one point DH almost didn't want to do it. I may have done it for the wrong reasons, I partly wanted to have the funeral to show he existed and that he was loved by a lot of people. And come to find out my MIL was first told that she would get three bereavement days but she had to schedule them around her company's "friends and family sale," so she had to take two days, work one and then have one off. Upon returning to work after the funeral she was told that she wouldn't in fact get paid for anytime off, they said since the baby never lived it was a miscarriage, apparently they have never heard of a stillbirth. They eventually said I wasn't far enough along for it to be a stillbirth, I have no idea why they think they know how far along I was. How about we tell it to the large gaping wound that was still bleeding in my stomach from delivering my baby, or how about they check the obituary, or I would even let them see pictures to prove my baby "existed". My MIL argued with them and ended up walking out; she has worked for the same company for 16 years!!!! They finally called her and said they would pay her for it but upon getting her check the next week they only paid her for one day! Seriously? Come on Raymour and Flanigan, God forbid anything this terrible ever happens to any of your loved ones. They then told her to consider herself lucky for getting the one day since our baby never lived!!!! My stepfather got 4 paid days off, my mom got three days but two weeks in total as they gave her family illness days to cover more time to take care of first my kids while DH was with me in the hospital and then me and the kids when they got the flu and DH went back to work. My mom's job also took up a collection that completely paid our costs and then some.

So I am so thankful for my mom's job being great to her and my family. Also I am a member of my local Mother of Twins group and also MOPS (mother of preschoolers) and when I was first int he hospital they asked what I needed help with and I told them I was concerned about meals for my family so they all stepped in and worked together and provided my family with meals for FOUR weeks every other night. It just stopped the other day. It was amazing! I felt so blessed to have so many people care about us. My local La Leche League Leaders also made a contribution to Sidelines (www.sidelines.org), which is an online support group for high risk pregnancies.

Also my DH used to work at the same store where MIL works for NINE years and one day he was hurt getting out of the truck (he was a delivery driver). There was no other way out of the truck, no steps, no liftgate, nothing so the only way out was to jump down out of the back, he had done this for nine years. While one day he got hurt while "jumping" down and they fired him for it. It was a huge mess with unemployment because the store tried to say he violated company policy (nothing in handbook) by jumping out but there was no other way out. Upon seeing pictures unemployment sided with us and let the claim go through, of course they appealed it TWICE, but he won. So I am also thankful that he got out when he did and got a better job (which allows him to be home all winter with me) with a pay cut though, but he is so much happier and that is what matters.