I thought I was supposed to be happy. . .

I thought I was supposed to be happy but instead I am miserable. Why, you ask? I am scared all the time about this pregnancy and the baby, scared that the doctors aren't listening to me as much as they should that all this cramping and spotting and pain is not ok. I constantly worry about me and the baby and wonder what it is I need to say to the doctors to get them to take me seriously to check things out thoroughly. I am not someone who any of my doctors would consider me a hypochondriac. Instead I am someone that is in touch with my body and educated, does research and can a lot of times self diagnose herself. I can name numerous times that I have done this successfully but honestly can not name one single time I have not been right about my health. I wonder why I hear stories about women going to the doctor and saying the same things I have been saying and they get checked out and end up with more restrictions, more medications, and more care. Yet I struggle to even get anyone to listen to me.

I wonder why I am still struggling at over thirty years of age with feeling like people don't like me. Why I try so hard and it never works. I wonder why people keep telling me to take it easy and tell me to rest yet some of these same people make comments about my house not looking perfect. I wonder when I will feel like myself again and wonder who myself even is anymore, I am not sure I remember. I miss friends that I feel like I lost with my first marriage ending or probably even before that, maybe when I moved away. I wonder what will happen now that it appears my milk has dried up. I so enjoy nursing and know J does too.

5 question Friday

Five Question Friday!!




It's Friday people...and its time for some questions, brought to us by Mama M.





So, the rules? Copy and paste the five questions below to your blog post, answer them, grab the MckLinky Blog Hop code and link up!

And, we're off!!

A special thanks to Sandy, Megan Silva and Keely for this week's questions!!

September 4th Questions:

1. The clothing outfit you remember from childhood and why? I had this peach dress, probably in Kindergarten that my Grandma made me, I loved it. I have pieces of it in a quilt my mom made me for graduation, along with pieces of other outfits my grandma made me, including my prom dress! Also she used to make me these babydoll pajamas and they were so freaking cute! I would kill to have those now in my size. They used to have lace trim on their straps, I loved them so much! Even then I appreciated them!

2. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? lots of different things, a botanist, an architect, interior designer, nurse, a lawyer. But I always wanted to be a mommy and a wife!

3. What is your must have for Fall? The perfectr pair of maternity jeans! Still looking for them! For some reason I am like in between sizes and etiher they are almost too tight or falling off OR a foot too long!

4. If money were no object, how many kiddos would you really have? I think 4 is good, but if money really was no object, I wouldn't mind waiting a few years and doing it again. Even with complications and being miserable I love the feeling of being pregnant!

5. The best part of your birthing story (other than the beautiful child at the end). With my twins during the c-section, the ob calling the nurses and anesthesiologist over to look at "how big this twin is!" He was 7lbs 13 oz. They were all freaking out about how big he was and I remember being terrified for Cristian thinking he must be way smaller because there was no way I had two babies in me over 7lbs. But he was! 7lbs 1oz!

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Its a . . . . . .

I am scared!

So tomorrow I have an ultrasound. I will be 16 weeks and 2 days. The tech said she should be able to see the gender. I am scared to find out, no terrified! I am trying to tell myself its ok either way, which I know it is, really I do! But I keep remembering my grandma saying you haven't lived until you have a girl. Well, I want my girl so I can be done!! But I really don't know what to do with a gril after having three boys. I am worried I will be scared if its a girl and sort of ripped off its a boy! RIght before my u/s with J I had decided that I really wanted a boy instead of a girl like I had been hoping for. I know I am supposed to hope that my baby is healthy and has 10 fingers and 10 toes, which I do, but I am worried about the gender! DH wants a girl more than I do I think! So does my mom and probably his mom too! My sister wants one more than all of us I think! What if its a boy and people are disappointed? . . . . . . What if I am disappointed?

5 question Friday

Five Question Friday!!


It's Friday people...and its time for some questions, brought to us by Mama M.





So, the rules? Copy and paste the five questions below to your blog post, answer them, grab the MckLinky Blog Hop code and link up!

And, we're off!!


1. What is your favorite Holiday and why? Christmas, my family always made such a big deal out of it and we have a lot of traditions around it as well.


2. Who has been the most influential person in your life? my grandma


3. If you could give up one household chore forever, what would it be? folding and putting away laundry


4. What is the BEST practical joke you have ever been a part of, on the giving OR receiving end? (Thanks to Meghan, for that one!!)


5. Where (or how) did you meet your spouse? we met from myspace. I have done a blog post about it, I meant to do it as two parts but never finished

five question friday

1. What is your biggest Pet Peeve? I think I am too grumpy right now to answer this. . .


2. With no worries about finances, childcare, or travel time...where would you most want to vacation? I would love to go to Europe and go to Ireland, Italy and maybe France


3. If your house was in the path of a tornado and you had time to grab 3 things before the house was totally destroyed (children, husband, pets are already out) what 3 items would you grab? Probably some stuff from the china cabinent that was my grandparents


4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Right here in my family's home where I grew up, with another addition though!


5. What is your family's favorite homecooked meal? probably pasta, baked ziti I guess

reality has hit. . .

So I am currently 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I have a complete placenta previa, which my midwife had the unfortunate duty of telling me that my chances of it going away with my ob history (2 c-sections and a crazy big twin birth previously) and the postion its in now are basically worse than slim to none. Eneryone immeadicately thinks my biggest concern is having to have a c-section, well I am already planning one of those, a vaginal birth isn't safe after my uterus has been stretched so much. My twins were just 2 ounces short of a combined weight of 15 pounds and my singleton was over 11 pounds. My concern is pre-term labor and bleeding. Well. . . and the probably inevitable bed rest with three little ones at home and some community responsibilities that I can't shirk (is that the right word?) out on.

I have been having a lot of cramping and luckily so far just the occasional spotting. Unfortunately, the cramping is so bad at times it keeps me up at night, that and the fear of all this. So this morning I decided to take the boys for brea*kfast because I was STARVING! I was thinking that after I would run up to Walmart for a few things, mainly the lemonade I crave like . . .um. . .lemonade-aholic!!! I realized that I couldn't since I couldn't lift the twins into a cart. After eating I thought I would go to another grocery store that has parking for pregnant women and also carts that hold all my children, which is no small feat. Upon almost getting there I realized that I just wasn't feeling up to it with my cramping and back pain. . . . . . .

I know that I am supposed to be happy that the baby looks happy and healthy right now but I am almost too scared to be happy about that right now.