I thought I was supposed to be happy. . .

I thought I was supposed to be happy but instead I am miserable. Why, you ask? I am scared all the time about this pregnancy and the baby, scared that the doctors aren't listening to me as much as they should that all this cramping and spotting and pain is not ok. I constantly worry about me and the baby and wonder what it is I need to say to the doctors to get them to take me seriously to check things out thoroughly. I am not someone who any of my doctors would consider me a hypochondriac. Instead I am someone that is in touch with my body and educated, does research and can a lot of times self diagnose herself. I can name numerous times that I have done this successfully but honestly can not name one single time I have not been right about my health. I wonder why I hear stories about women going to the doctor and saying the same things I have been saying and they get checked out and end up with more restrictions, more medications, and more care. Yet I struggle to even get anyone to listen to me.

I wonder why I am still struggling at over thirty years of age with feeling like people don't like me. Why I try so hard and it never works. I wonder why people keep telling me to take it easy and tell me to rest yet some of these same people make comments about my house not looking perfect. I wonder when I will feel like myself again and wonder who myself even is anymore, I am not sure I remember. I miss friends that I feel like I lost with my first marriage ending or probably even before that, maybe when I moved away. I wonder what will happen now that it appears my milk has dried up. I so enjoy nursing and know J does too.

5 question Friday

Five Question Friday!!




It's Friday people...and its time for some questions, brought to us by Mama M.





So, the rules? Copy and paste the five questions below to your blog post, answer them, grab the MckLinky Blog Hop code and link up!

And, we're off!!

A special thanks to Sandy, Megan Silva and Keely for this week's questions!!

September 4th Questions:

1. The clothing outfit you remember from childhood and why? I had this peach dress, probably in Kindergarten that my Grandma made me, I loved it. I have pieces of it in a quilt my mom made me for graduation, along with pieces of other outfits my grandma made me, including my prom dress! Also she used to make me these babydoll pajamas and they were so freaking cute! I would kill to have those now in my size. They used to have lace trim on their straps, I loved them so much! Even then I appreciated them!

2. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? lots of different things, a botanist, an architect, interior designer, nurse, a lawyer. But I always wanted to be a mommy and a wife!

3. What is your must have for Fall? The perfectr pair of maternity jeans! Still looking for them! For some reason I am like in between sizes and etiher they are almost too tight or falling off OR a foot too long!

4. If money were no object, how many kiddos would you really have? I think 4 is good, but if money really was no object, I wouldn't mind waiting a few years and doing it again. Even with complications and being miserable I love the feeling of being pregnant!

5. The best part of your birthing story (other than the beautiful child at the end). With my twins during the c-section, the ob calling the nurses and anesthesiologist over to look at "how big this twin is!" He was 7lbs 13 oz. They were all freaking out about how big he was and I remember being terrified for Cristian thinking he must be way smaller because there was no way I had two babies in me over 7lbs. But he was! 7lbs 1oz!

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Its a . . . . . .

I am scared!

So tomorrow I have an ultrasound. I will be 16 weeks and 2 days. The tech said she should be able to see the gender. I am scared to find out, no terrified! I am trying to tell myself its ok either way, which I know it is, really I do! But I keep remembering my grandma saying you haven't lived until you have a girl. Well, I want my girl so I can be done!! But I really don't know what to do with a gril after having three boys. I am worried I will be scared if its a girl and sort of ripped off its a boy! RIght before my u/s with J I had decided that I really wanted a boy instead of a girl like I had been hoping for. I know I am supposed to hope that my baby is healthy and has 10 fingers and 10 toes, which I do, but I am worried about the gender! DH wants a girl more than I do I think! So does my mom and probably his mom too! My sister wants one more than all of us I think! What if its a boy and people are disappointed? . . . . . . What if I am disappointed?