Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I thought I was supposed to be happy. . .

I thought I was supposed to be happy but instead I am miserable. Why, you ask? I am scared all the time about this pregnancy and the baby, scared that the doctors aren't listening to me as much as they should that all this cramping and spotting and pain is not ok. I constantly worry about me and the baby and wonder what it is I need to say to the doctors to get them to take me seriously to check things out thoroughly. I am not someone who any of my doctors would consider me a hypochondriac. Instead I am someone that is in touch with my body and educated, does research and can a lot of times self diagnose herself. I can name numerous times that I have done this successfully but honestly can not name one single time I have not been right about my health. I wonder why I hear stories about women going to the doctor and saying the same things I have been saying and they get checked out and end up with more restrictions, more medications, and more care. Yet I struggle to even get anyone to listen to me.

I wonder why I am still struggling at over thirty years of age with feeling like people don't like me. Why I try so hard and it never works. I wonder why people keep telling me to take it easy and tell me to rest yet some of these same people make comments about my house not looking perfect. I wonder when I will feel like myself again and wonder who myself even is anymore, I am not sure I remember. I miss friends that I feel like I lost with my first marriage ending or probably even before that, maybe when I moved away. I wonder what will happen now that it appears my milk has dried up. I so enjoy nursing and know J does too.


Kate said...

If you have friends that comment about your house not looking perfect, maybe they aren't true friends? I'm sad that someone would say that to you.

No one knows your body better than you do. If your doctor isn't listening to you then find someone else who will.

I bet you are a wonderful woman! Don't waste precious time worrying whether people like you or not. Just be who God created you to be!

Big hugs for you.

Melis said...

I just read this and I know it's a little while ago, but I totally understand your fears and frustrations about the doctors. I went through my pregnancy and delivery at a naval hospital and the military folks there, while great doctors, cater to the lowest common denominator and ASSUME that I'm another clueless woman who got knocked up for not knowing how it happens... Stay strong and fight for what you know about yourself. Get second opinions if you need to. PESTER THEM!

That being said, how are you doing now? Is the pregnancy going well? How are you and J doing post-nursing? I know that the end of nursing is one of the most bittersweet parts of mommydom...

And finally, HORRAY for boys! I have twin girls but my first baby was a boy and I. Love. Him. I love trains and trucks and mud and bugs and sports and poop and rocks. I mean, I adore me some girlies, but the mommy-son relationship is sooo special. I hope my 4th will be a boy... Congrats to you! You have a lovely family!