more :( in preparation for Thanksgiving and a rant and some thanks

I am having a hard time with the holidays. I don't want to celebrate them! I don't want time to move on and it seems its moving on without me. I don't want to pick out a headstone, I didn't want to get flowers for the grave (we got a small potted Christmas tree eventually for now), I didn't want to buy Thank You notes to send, I certainly don't want to fill them out and send them, I don't want to put the stuff away from the hospital and I most certainly don't want to celebrate any Holidays without my Samuel. I used to think I would be getting huge and more pregnant, shopping for baby stuff, eating tons and just enjoying life getting ready for our fourth son to arrive. And then for one week I thought if anything maybe he would be here and be in the NICU, at that time it seemed like the most terrible thing ever but now instead I am living out the terrible that I never imagined.

Some people were surprised that we had a funeral for Samuel. At one point DH almost didn't want to do it. I may have done it for the wrong reasons, I partly wanted to have the funeral to show he existed and that he was loved by a lot of people. And come to find out my MIL was first told that she would get three bereavement days but she had to schedule them around her company's "friends and family sale," so she had to take two days, work one and then have one off. Upon returning to work after the funeral she was told that she wouldn't in fact get paid for anytime off, they said since the baby never lived it was a miscarriage, apparently they have never heard of a stillbirth. They eventually said I wasn't far enough along for it to be a stillbirth, I have no idea why they think they know how far along I was. How about we tell it to the large gaping wound that was still bleeding in my stomach from delivering my baby, or how about they check the obituary, or I would even let them see pictures to prove my baby "existed". My MIL argued with them and ended up walking out; she has worked for the same company for 16 years!!!! They finally called her and said they would pay her for it but upon getting her check the next week they only paid her for one day! Seriously? Come on Raymour and Flanigan, God forbid anything this terrible ever happens to any of your loved ones. They then told her to consider herself lucky for getting the one day since our baby never lived!!!! My stepfather got 4 paid days off, my mom got three days but two weeks in total as they gave her family illness days to cover more time to take care of first my kids while DH was with me in the hospital and then me and the kids when they got the flu and DH went back to work. My mom's job also took up a collection that completely paid our costs and then some.

So I am so thankful for my mom's job being great to her and my family. Also I am a member of my local Mother of Twins group and also MOPS (mother of preschoolers) and when I was first int he hospital they asked what I needed help with and I told them I was concerned about meals for my family so they all stepped in and worked together and provided my family with meals for FOUR weeks every other night. It just stopped the other day. It was amazing! I felt so blessed to have so many people care about us. My local La Leche League Leaders also made a contribution to Sidelines (www.sidelines.org), which is an online support group for high risk pregnancies.

Also my DH used to work at the same store where MIL works for NINE years and one day he was hurt getting out of the truck (he was a delivery driver). There was no other way out of the truck, no steps, no liftgate, nothing so the only way out was to jump down out of the back, he had done this for nine years. While one day he got hurt while "jumping" down and they fired him for it. It was a huge mess with unemployment because the store tried to say he violated company policy (nothing in handbook) by jumping out but there was no other way out. Upon seeing pictures unemployment sided with us and let the claim go through, of course they appealed it TWICE, but he won. So I am also thankful that he got out when he did and got a better job (which allows him to be home all winter with me) with a pay cut though, but he is so much happier and that is what matters.