very sad update part 1

On October 26, I just wasn't feeling well. I took my blood pressure and it was slightly elevated. Come evening, it was crazy high. I called my midwife office and got a call back and told her that I wasn't feeling right and what my BP readings were. She basically said I was way too early to be having high BP (I was just about 24 weeks), that home monitors read very high, that if in fact it was that high I would feel sick and have a headache (which I did and that was why I took my BP to begin with!). She told me to come into the office in the morning and not to worry. Well, hubby and I were not happy with that. My 18 year old sister was here too and she was upset too. I decided to call the hospital and speak to a labor and delivery nurse. I told the nurse what was going on, she told me that it was only a nurse I had spoke with (I haven't been going to my office for a while but the name didn't sound familiar) and that I should call back and ask for the midwife to call back instead. I called the answering service which only knew nothing and had the nurse call me back again, she was very rude and only said that if I was worried to go to the hospital. DH had to work in the morning and figured nothing too exciting would happen and he would stay to rest and my sister and I would go. We got there and they just put me in a L&D triage room where my BP was even higher. They called the midwife who called my maternal fetal medicine doctor who said it was no big deal he would just come in and check things out. My sister called my mom who said she would come over. They wanted blood work and of course I have terrible veins. The nurses tried twice and search and searched my veins, I was crying. A guy from the lab finally came and got it with no problems. (After my sister almost passed out!) My mom was there, the doctor came in put the ultrasound probe on my belly and immediately said the baby looked too small. Samuel measured about two weeks behind. About 3.5 weeks before he was perfect. My fluid was low, my placenta didn't look very good and the blood flow to the baby was terrible. My world shattered at the moment. My mom just about passed out at that point, had to take off her coat, then sit on the floor, then lay on the floor, then they got her juice. I was given steroids to mature his lungs in the event he made it two more weeks and we were forced to deliver. My blood work and urine results were bad as well, my kidneys were starting to be damaged and I had protein in my urine so basically I had a very early onset, serious case of preeclampsia so I was admitted.

I stayed in the hospital for two nights, was sent home to take it easy on BP meds. We were worried because my life was really in danger from the high BP but lowering it only would hurt the baby more and make the blood flow worse. I was barely feeling him move anymore but we had a doppler at home and were able to keep checking on him. The day after I left the hospital I called to say I hadn't felt him move in quite some so they had me come in. I thought for sure he was gone, but he was fine, and just saving his energy for growing and surviving. They told me it was going to be very hard because I wouldn't feel him move because he was so sick.

We celebrated Halloween and a scaled down birthday for J. I couldn't go trick or treating with them since I was supposed to take it easy. Occasionally I still felt him move though. On Sunday 11/1, we had the small party for J. Before anyone got here we listened to Samuel with the doppler, he was up much higher and we took this as a good sign and were feeling so much better. After everyone was gone, it was almost dinnertime and we went to try again and no luck. We tried for hours. My doctor said we could go in and have the nurse try but he was probably gone and then we would discuss delivery the next day in the office since it was currently Sunday night.

We went in and the nurse couldn't find him either, he was gone. He waited until after Halloween and J's party but then went quietly. We were devastated. The next day we went to confirm and to plan delivery. My blood pressure was even worse and I had begun to have chest pain from the high blood pressure, which probably only worse from the stress. They doubled my dose of meds the night before at the hospital to get me through anyway and gave me an hour to go home, get my stuff together and head to the hospital for a c-section.

We went home in a daze, Randy made a few calls I couldn't stand to listen to. I texted people and updated on facebook since so many people had been praying for us since the first time I had been admitted. Of course there, they couldn't get my IV in but we had the greatest nurse who really was so sensitive to us and our needs. I am so thankful for her.

Samuel was delivered into heaven at 4:30pm, weighing 1 pound and 4 oz and 12 inches long. At first we weren't sure if we wanted to see him. The nurse and my aunt talked to us and said if we saw him we wouldn't regret it but might regret if we didn't see him. DH was more unsure than I was. We finally decided we would see him. It was both the hardest and greatest moment of my life since instead of spending the rest of my life with him I only had right then. Only I held him. He had the longest fingers, my aunt had already held him and was there when the priest came to bless him and told us about his fingers and toes. We held him and cried and I asked DH to leave to spend a minute alone with him and then the nurse came and took him. We could have kept him with us longer but I couldn't get out of bed and DH was scared to hold him so at the time it just made sense to let him go, I still regret not spending more time with him. DH did take one picture of me holding him with his phone which we cherish very much.

My hospital stay was kind of miserable but I really wouldn't expect anything else. The medicine to make sure I didn't have a seizure (magnesium sulfate) makes you feel like crap. I was bruised all over my arms from being admitted (IV attempts) and blood pressure readings and still had bruises from the week before. My incision was constantly bleeding so bad we had to keep a pad on it and every time I saw it made me feel really woozy! I went home on the third day.

We were sent home with pamphlets, the outfit he wore when we met him, pictures the nurse took (which took us a few days to look at), his hat, the wrist bands we would have all wore, blankets, a small dog, a bigger angel bear, and a small "remembrance ring". All the special stuff they used in his pictures. He went to the funeral home in another outfit that we have pictures of him with. We also took the angel bear, the blanket my mom made for his baptism (I still can't believe she got it finished, it was almost finished when all this started), and a rosary that was my grandmother's that was a small hand one to the funeral home to go in his casket.

The funeral home was amazing, they charged us full price for the casket and then 10% is all we had to pay of everything else, they also wrote it up differently, like it was just graveside since that was cheaper, even though it was at the funeral home and we had calling hours and then a service. I also had started to get upset in the hospital since we hadn't got prayer cards, a book for people to sign or the temporary marker for the cemetery. DH called the funeral home director who said he was just giving us all that for no charge. The plot at the cemetery was also no charge since we got a plot in the baby section. DH's uncle works for the town so he dug the hole so there wasn't a charge for that either.