unhappy

So for the past almost 6 weeks I have been going by what my maternal fetal medicine doctor told me, to give it a month or two and we could try again. I have to admit it seemed too good to be true but I just wanted to believe it so bad. I have a friend I went to college with that is now an OB and has answered some questions for me since I had my miscarriage before Samuel so I asked her some more questions. She really had nothing but terrible, honest things to say. She talked about all the risks to me and a possible new baby if I get pregnant right away. It has broken my heart. She said I should wait 12-18 months to try again. So in light of this info I have filled my BCP prescription something I did not want to do. We go back to the MFM doc next week so we will ask him tons of questions including all the stuff that my friend said and go from there. Its killing me to take the pill each night. We want a baby so bad so it seems so wrong to take the pill. This has done things to me emotionally that I was not expecting, I feel like the most terrible wife for not being able to give my husband another baby like he wants.

Giveaway!

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To enter click HERE.

people can be so dumb!

Some people can be so insensitive. I think a lot of it is from "the system" of everything but it still hurts when you are in a situation like mine. Here is what I experienced last week as an example.

I had a WIC appointment scheduled for the day after I delivered Samuel, while I was still in the hospital. My mom (or maybe my aunt, not sure who) called to cancel it for me and specifically told them what had happened. They said how sorry they were and all that and I could call to reschedule when I was ready. Well, I was finally ready last week so I called. The woman said she would grab my chart and put me on hold. She came back and asked when my due date was!!! Seriously? Did the last woman not think to maybe put a kind little note on my chart to let people know what had happened? So then I had to tell her and she had to play the whole "I am so sorry, blah, blah, blah" role. And then went on to tell me I needed to bring "proof" when I came. Like what lady? "Something from your doctor or soemthing, don't you have anything from your doctor?" NO! When they send you home empty handed without your baby in your arms or your belly they don't give you a note to provide to idiots to show proof that your baby passed away. I asked if the obituary would do, she hemmed and hawed and finally said she "thinks so!" So we will see when I go in just a little while how this works out. If I have to explain it all again, I very well might go postal on them. It is Monday after all, which means 5 weeks ago since Samuel and I got sick, 4 weeks since I delivered him, and 3 weeks since the funeral.

Really, can I be honest?

Ok, when people ask how my Thanksgiving was that know what happened to us, do they want an honest answer? "It was crappy, thanks. Remember, my baby just died? How was yours?"

more :( in preparation for Thanksgiving and a rant and some thanks

I am having a hard time with the holidays. I don't want to celebrate them! I don't want time to move on and it seems its moving on without me. I don't want to pick out a headstone, I didn't want to get flowers for the grave (we got a small potted Christmas tree eventually for now), I didn't want to buy Thank You notes to send, I certainly don't want to fill them out and send them, I don't want to put the stuff away from the hospital and I most certainly don't want to celebrate any Holidays without my Samuel. I used to think I would be getting huge and more pregnant, shopping for baby stuff, eating tons and just enjoying life getting ready for our fourth son to arrive. And then for one week I thought if anything maybe he would be here and be in the NICU, at that time it seemed like the most terrible thing ever but now instead I am living out the terrible that I never imagined.

Some people were surprised that we had a funeral for Samuel. At one point DH almost didn't want to do it. I may have done it for the wrong reasons, I partly wanted to have the funeral to show he existed and that he was loved by a lot of people. And come to find out my MIL was first told that she would get three bereavement days but she had to schedule them around her company's "friends and family sale," so she had to take two days, work one and then have one off. Upon returning to work after the funeral she was told that she wouldn't in fact get paid for anytime off, they said since the baby never lived it was a miscarriage, apparently they have never heard of a stillbirth. They eventually said I wasn't far enough along for it to be a stillbirth, I have no idea why they think they know how far along I was. How about we tell it to the large gaping wound that was still bleeding in my stomach from delivering my baby, or how about they check the obituary, or I would even let them see pictures to prove my baby "existed". My MIL argued with them and ended up walking out; she has worked for the same company for 16 years!!!! They finally called her and said they would pay her for it but upon getting her check the next week they only paid her for one day! Seriously? Come on Raymour and Flanigan, God forbid anything this terrible ever happens to any of your loved ones. They then told her to consider herself lucky for getting the one day since our baby never lived!!!! My stepfather got 4 paid days off, my mom got three days but two weeks in total as they gave her family illness days to cover more time to take care of first my kids while DH was with me in the hospital and then me and the kids when they got the flu and DH went back to work. My mom's job also took up a collection that completely paid our costs and then some.

So I am so thankful for my mom's job being great to her and my family. Also I am a member of my local Mother of Twins group and also MOPS (mother of preschoolers) and when I was first int he hospital they asked what I needed help with and I told them I was concerned about meals for my family so they all stepped in and worked together and provided my family with meals for FOUR weeks every other night. It just stopped the other day. It was amazing! I felt so blessed to have so many people care about us. My local La Leche League Leaders also made a contribution to Sidelines (www.sidelines.org), which is an online support group for high risk pregnancies.

Also my DH used to work at the same store where MIL works for NINE years and one day he was hurt getting out of the truck (he was a delivery driver). There was no other way out of the truck, no steps, no liftgate, nothing so the only way out was to jump down out of the back, he had done this for nine years. While one day he got hurt while "jumping" down and they fired him for it. It was a huge mess with unemployment because the store tried to say he violated company policy (nothing in handbook) by jumping out but there was no other way out. Upon seeing pictures unemployment sided with us and let the claim go through, of course they appealed it TWICE, but he won. So I am also thankful that he got out when he did and got a better job (which allows him to be home all winter with me) with a pay cut though, but he is so much happier and that is what matters.

Part 2

On Monday, November 9, 2009, one week after he was born into heaven, we had a funeral for our Samuel Edward. It was lovely in a way I never imagined. People came that I never would have dreamed would come. The whole management team from Head Start came except for one person. They all hugged me and said how there is no place else they would rather would be after I have done so much for them and the organization. The twins speech therapist came who is someone that is a great at what they do but sometimes annoys me (being late and such)! lol She came and stayed for the service. We had an hour for calling hours. The morning of I was worried it was too short but after 15 minutes of greeting people I thought it had been 45 minutes! That sucked, but we were so strong, I am so proud of us. The service was beautiful, our old priest came as a special request to the funeral home director (who was beyond amazing and wonderful) and just did the greatest service ever that truly made me feel better. After they dismissed everyone, we got to just go kneel over his casket for however long we wanted, I had DH give me a few minutes alone with him, I wanted to make sure I wouldn't regret leaving him too soon like I did about not holding him enough, I remember thinking how would I know when to it was enough but finally I just knew. Then we followed the hearse up, just hubby and I, to the cemetery. We just wanted to make sure he got there ok.

We left and came home where all of DH's aunts and uncles came in in whirlwind and dropped off so much food. We ate and ate with my family and it was great. I have never felt more loved and blessed. Someone commented early on that Samuel's gift was to show us how blessed and lucky we were and at the time I didn't see it that much but that day I truly saw it. I felt closer to DH than I ever have before. I even sat on his lap and we kissed and kissed and at that moment I thought, "ok, we can do this and be ok and even stronger, maybe."

The next day our marriage suffered a small bump in the road and it really hurt. I haven't been able to get back to that special place yet even though things are better with us now. I want to get back to that place so much. We go back and forth about trying for another baby even though others think that is crazy with the risk to me and the risk of losing another but I can't imagine not trying again, but even making out with DH is so hard. (FYI, the doctor said we can try again and we go in a few weeks to discuss the plan from here) Everywhere he touches me I just remember what it was like when I was pregnant. I want to enjoy it but just can't get there. DH swears it will get easier and says if we can't even make out we won't ever be able to try for another! I went about 2 weeks crying somewhat everyday. Now I have some good days and bad days. I know that all this is to be expected but that doesn't make it easier.

The night before we had to take the stuff to the funeral home that we wanted to be with him we finally went through the pictures and stuff. They were so amazing and I am so thankful for them. The night before the funeral I had decided that I wanted to get a frame and pick a picture to have at the funeral. I told DH and we picked one out and I went to buy a frame in the morning. I am so glad we did that; I wanted people to see that he was a real baby. A couple people did comment on how beautiful he was was and they were glad we had pictures. My mom was not happy about the picture being there, it was too hard for her. She was also the only person I offered to show the picture of me and him to that didn't want to see it. Also that day we went to the cemetery to see the plot, we had gone to pick one out when we left the hospital but I stayed in the car. When we went up this time the outline was marked out and I broke down and we had to leave, that was before we went to the funeral home, we tried again after and I did a little better the second time and was able to get out.

very sad update part 1

On October 26, I just wasn't feeling well. I took my blood pressure and it was slightly elevated. Come evening, it was crazy high. I called my midwife office and got a call back and told her that I wasn't feeling right and what my BP readings were. She basically said I was way too early to be having high BP (I was just about 24 weeks), that home monitors read very high, that if in fact it was that high I would feel sick and have a headache (which I did and that was why I took my BP to begin with!). She told me to come into the office in the morning and not to worry. Well, hubby and I were not happy with that. My 18 year old sister was here too and she was upset too. I decided to call the hospital and speak to a labor and delivery nurse. I told the nurse what was going on, she told me that it was only a nurse I had spoke with (I haven't been going to my office for a while but the name didn't sound familiar) and that I should call back and ask for the midwife to call back instead. I called the answering service which only knew nothing and had the nurse call me back again, she was very rude and only said that if I was worried to go to the hospital. DH had to work in the morning and figured nothing too exciting would happen and he would stay to rest and my sister and I would go. We got there and they just put me in a L&D triage room where my BP was even higher. They called the midwife who called my maternal fetal medicine doctor who said it was no big deal he would just come in and check things out. My sister called my mom who said she would come over. They wanted blood work and of course I have terrible veins. The nurses tried twice and search and searched my veins, I was crying. A guy from the lab finally came and got it with no problems. (After my sister almost passed out!) My mom was there, the doctor came in put the ultrasound probe on my belly and immediately said the baby looked too small. Samuel measured about two weeks behind. About 3.5 weeks before he was perfect. My fluid was low, my placenta didn't look very good and the blood flow to the baby was terrible. My world shattered at the moment. My mom just about passed out at that point, had to take off her coat, then sit on the floor, then lay on the floor, then they got her juice. I was given steroids to mature his lungs in the event he made it two more weeks and we were forced to deliver. My blood work and urine results were bad as well, my kidneys were starting to be damaged and I had protein in my urine so basically I had a very early onset, serious case of preeclampsia so I was admitted.

I stayed in the hospital for two nights, was sent home to take it easy on BP meds. We were worried because my life was really in danger from the high BP but lowering it only would hurt the baby more and make the blood flow worse. I was barely feeling him move anymore but we had a doppler at home and were able to keep checking on him. The day after I left the hospital I called to say I hadn't felt him move in quite some so they had me come in. I thought for sure he was gone, but he was fine, and just saving his energy for growing and surviving. They told me it was going to be very hard because I wouldn't feel him move because he was so sick.

We celebrated Halloween and a scaled down birthday for J. I couldn't go trick or treating with them since I was supposed to take it easy. Occasionally I still felt him move though. On Sunday 11/1, we had the small party for J. Before anyone got here we listened to Samuel with the doppler, he was up much higher and we took this as a good sign and were feeling so much better. After everyone was gone, it was almost dinnertime and we went to try again and no luck. We tried for hours. My doctor said we could go in and have the nurse try but he was probably gone and then we would discuss delivery the next day in the office since it was currently Sunday night.

We went in and the nurse couldn't find him either, he was gone. He waited until after Halloween and J's party but then went quietly. We were devastated. The next day we went to confirm and to plan delivery. My blood pressure was even worse and I had begun to have chest pain from the high blood pressure, which probably only worse from the stress. They doubled my dose of meds the night before at the hospital to get me through anyway and gave me an hour to go home, get my stuff together and head to the hospital for a c-section.

We went home in a daze, Randy made a few calls I couldn't stand to listen to. I texted people and updated on facebook since so many people had been praying for us since the first time I had been admitted. Of course there, they couldn't get my IV in but we had the greatest nurse who really was so sensitive to us and our needs. I am so thankful for her.

Samuel was delivered into heaven at 4:30pm, weighing 1 pound and 4 oz and 12 inches long. At first we weren't sure if we wanted to see him. The nurse and my aunt talked to us and said if we saw him we wouldn't regret it but might regret if we didn't see him. DH was more unsure than I was. We finally decided we would see him. It was both the hardest and greatest moment of my life since instead of spending the rest of my life with him I only had right then. Only I held him. He had the longest fingers, my aunt had already held him and was there when the priest came to bless him and told us about his fingers and toes. We held him and cried and I asked DH to leave to spend a minute alone with him and then the nurse came and took him. We could have kept him with us longer but I couldn't get out of bed and DH was scared to hold him so at the time it just made sense to let him go, I still regret not spending more time with him. DH did take one picture of me holding him with his phone which we cherish very much.

My hospital stay was kind of miserable but I really wouldn't expect anything else. The medicine to make sure I didn't have a seizure (magnesium sulfate) makes you feel like crap. I was bruised all over my arms from being admitted (IV attempts) and blood pressure readings and still had bruises from the week before. My incision was constantly bleeding so bad we had to keep a pad on it and every time I saw it made me feel really woozy! I went home on the third day.

We were sent home with pamphlets, the outfit he wore when we met him, pictures the nurse took (which took us a few days to look at), his hat, the wrist bands we would have all wore, blankets, a small dog, a bigger angel bear, and a small "remembrance ring". All the special stuff they used in his pictures. He went to the funeral home in another outfit that we have pictures of him with. We also took the angel bear, the blanket my mom made for his baptism (I still can't believe she got it finished, it was almost finished when all this started), and a rosary that was my grandmother's that was a small hand one to the funeral home to go in his casket.

The funeral home was amazing, they charged us full price for the casket and then 10% is all we had to pay of everything else, they also wrote it up differently, like it was just graveside since that was cheaper, even though it was at the funeral home and we had calling hours and then a service. I also had started to get upset in the hospital since we hadn't got prayer cards, a book for people to sign or the temporary marker for the cemetery. DH called the funeral home director who said he was just giving us all that for no charge. The plot at the cemetery was also no charge since we got a plot in the baby section. DH's uncle works for the town so he dug the hole so there wasn't a charge for that either.

update at last!

So I am still hanging in there and will be 23 weeks preggo tomorrow. We have picked Godparents for the baby and things are just moving along. I get another ultrasound in less than two weeks. I went to see the maternal fetal medicine doctor last time and he actually told me I could continue nursing!! So we started nursing again!!!!!!! It makes us both so happy and he said there was no reason for us to stop at this time, yes it would cause cramping but as long as my cervix wasn't changing it was fine!! J went right back to nursing like a champ! I still get all teary eyed thinking about his birthday coming up and knowing when I nurse him that morning it will be two years that I have been nursing him!

I thought I was supposed to be happy. . .

I thought I was supposed to be happy but instead I am miserable. Why, you ask? I am scared all the time about this pregnancy and the baby, scared that the doctors aren't listening to me as much as they should that all this cramping and spotting and pain is not ok. I constantly worry about me and the baby and wonder what it is I need to say to the doctors to get them to take me seriously to check things out thoroughly. I am not someone who any of my doctors would consider me a hypochondriac. Instead I am someone that is in touch with my body and educated, does research and can a lot of times self diagnose herself. I can name numerous times that I have done this successfully but honestly can not name one single time I have not been right about my health. I wonder why I hear stories about women going to the doctor and saying the same things I have been saying and they get checked out and end up with more restrictions, more medications, and more care. Yet I struggle to even get anyone to listen to me.

I wonder why I am still struggling at over thirty years of age with feeling like people don't like me. Why I try so hard and it never works. I wonder why people keep telling me to take it easy and tell me to rest yet some of these same people make comments about my house not looking perfect. I wonder when I will feel like myself again and wonder who myself even is anymore, I am not sure I remember. I miss friends that I feel like I lost with my first marriage ending or probably even before that, maybe when I moved away. I wonder what will happen now that it appears my milk has dried up. I so enjoy nursing and know J does too.

5 question Friday

Five Question Friday!!




It's Friday people...and its time for some questions, brought to us by Mama M.





So, the rules? Copy and paste the five questions below to your blog post, answer them, grab the MckLinky Blog Hop code and link up!

And, we're off!!

A special thanks to Sandy, Megan Silva and Keely for this week's questions!!

September 4th Questions:

1. The clothing outfit you remember from childhood and why? I had this peach dress, probably in Kindergarten that my Grandma made me, I loved it. I have pieces of it in a quilt my mom made me for graduation, along with pieces of other outfits my grandma made me, including my prom dress! Also she used to make me these babydoll pajamas and they were so freaking cute! I would kill to have those now in my size. They used to have lace trim on their straps, I loved them so much! Even then I appreciated them!

2. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? lots of different things, a botanist, an architect, interior designer, nurse, a lawyer. But I always wanted to be a mommy and a wife!

3. What is your must have for Fall? The perfectr pair of maternity jeans! Still looking for them! For some reason I am like in between sizes and etiher they are almost too tight or falling off OR a foot too long!

4. If money were no object, how many kiddos would you really have? I think 4 is good, but if money really was no object, I wouldn't mind waiting a few years and doing it again. Even with complications and being miserable I love the feeling of being pregnant!

5. The best part of your birthing story (other than the beautiful child at the end). With my twins during the c-section, the ob calling the nurses and anesthesiologist over to look at "how big this twin is!" He was 7lbs 13 oz. They were all freaking out about how big he was and I remember being terrified for Cristian thinking he must be way smaller because there was no way I had two babies in me over 7lbs. But he was! 7lbs 1oz!

>

Its a . . . . . .

I am scared!

So tomorrow I have an ultrasound. I will be 16 weeks and 2 days. The tech said she should be able to see the gender. I am scared to find out, no terrified! I am trying to tell myself its ok either way, which I know it is, really I do! But I keep remembering my grandma saying you haven't lived until you have a girl. Well, I want my girl so I can be done!! But I really don't know what to do with a gril after having three boys. I am worried I will be scared if its a girl and sort of ripped off its a boy! RIght before my u/s with J I had decided that I really wanted a boy instead of a girl like I had been hoping for. I know I am supposed to hope that my baby is healthy and has 10 fingers and 10 toes, which I do, but I am worried about the gender! DH wants a girl more than I do I think! So does my mom and probably his mom too! My sister wants one more than all of us I think! What if its a boy and people are disappointed? . . . . . . What if I am disappointed?

5 question Friday

Five Question Friday!!


It's Friday people...and its time for some questions, brought to us by Mama M.





So, the rules? Copy and paste the five questions below to your blog post, answer them, grab the MckLinky Blog Hop code and link up!

And, we're off!!


1. What is your favorite Holiday and why? Christmas, my family always made such a big deal out of it and we have a lot of traditions around it as well.


2. Who has been the most influential person in your life? my grandma


3. If you could give up one household chore forever, what would it be? folding and putting away laundry


4. What is the BEST practical joke you have ever been a part of, on the giving OR receiving end? (Thanks to Meghan, for that one!!)


5. Where (or how) did you meet your spouse? we met from myspace. I have done a blog post about it, I meant to do it as two parts but never finished

five question friday

1. What is your biggest Pet Peeve? I think I am too grumpy right now to answer this. . .


2. With no worries about finances, childcare, or travel time...where would you most want to vacation? I would love to go to Europe and go to Ireland, Italy and maybe France


3. If your house was in the path of a tornado and you had time to grab 3 things before the house was totally destroyed (children, husband, pets are already out) what 3 items would you grab? Probably some stuff from the china cabinent that was my grandparents


4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Right here in my family's home where I grew up, with another addition though!


5. What is your family's favorite homecooked meal? probably pasta, baked ziti I guess

reality has hit. . .

So I am currently 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I have a complete placenta previa, which my midwife had the unfortunate duty of telling me that my chances of it going away with my ob history (2 c-sections and a crazy big twin birth previously) and the postion its in now are basically worse than slim to none. Eneryone immeadicately thinks my biggest concern is having to have a c-section, well I am already planning one of those, a vaginal birth isn't safe after my uterus has been stretched so much. My twins were just 2 ounces short of a combined weight of 15 pounds and my singleton was over 11 pounds. My concern is pre-term labor and bleeding. Well. . . and the probably inevitable bed rest with three little ones at home and some community responsibilities that I can't shirk (is that the right word?) out on.

I have been having a lot of cramping and luckily so far just the occasional spotting. Unfortunately, the cramping is so bad at times it keeps me up at night, that and the fear of all this. So this morning I decided to take the boys for brea*kfast because I was STARVING! I was thinking that after I would run up to Walmart for a few things, mainly the lemonade I crave like . . .um. . .lemonade-aholic!!! I realized that I couldn't since I couldn't lift the twins into a cart. After eating I thought I would go to another grocery store that has parking for pregnant women and also carts that hold all my children, which is no small feat. Upon almost getting there I realized that I just wasn't feeling up to it with my cramping and back pain. . . . . . .

I know that I am supposed to be happy that the baby looks happy and healthy right now but I am almost too scared to be happy about that right now.

Blog hop: 5 question Friday

Five Question Friday

1. What is the most embarrassing thing your Mother-in-law has ever said to you? (Thanks Meghan, for the fun question!)
I am lucky to have a great mother in law! She is there when we need her, not over bearing or nosey. So I don't have an answer to this one!

2. What would you say is your favourite thing about YOU? (I just had to spell favorite with a "u"...I like to pretend I'm British or Australian sometimes...now, excuse me while I use the loo...hopefully there is not a que!)
I make beautiful babies! Really, can I say that? Because I do! How is that for a not boasting answer?

3. Speaking of "loos", toilet paper roll...under or over?
Over, I used to prefer under, but over just seems more functional to me.


4. What is your most memorable childhood family vacation?
Hmmmm....Lots, going to the lake every summer, 1000 islands, and I even went to Disney once

5. If you could choose one super power, what would it be?
Can I pick getting by on less sleep? That would be super!!!!

Please Pray for Stellan, MckMama, and family

MckLinky

There’s a great new “linky” service available and I wanted to let you know about it. It’s called MckLinky – www.mcklinky.com. After realizing the need for a new, reliable linky capability, Brent Riggs and MckMama got together to create a free, easy to use linky service for all their blog friends.
MckLinky is a free link list feature that allows you to do include lists of other blog links like MckMama does on Not Me! Monday. You can use MckLinky any time you want your blog readers to leave a list of links on your blog. It’s simple, reliable, free...and loads of MckFun!There’s a great new “linky” service available and I wanted to let you know about it. It’s called MckLinky – www.mcklinky.com. After realizing the need for a new, reliable linky capability, Brent Riggs and MckMama got together to create a free, easy to use linky service for all their blog friends.
MckLinky is a free link list feature that allows you to do include lists of other blog links like MckMama does on Not Me! Monday. You can use MckLinky any time you want your blog readers to leave a list of links on your blog. It’s simple, reliable, free...and loads of MckFun!

A Tale of Two Social Networkers. . .

So being its Memorial Weekend (almost) I thought I would share a story of three years ago around this time. I think its going to take more than one post so this is just the first part.

I have to start a little before that though, maybe in January or so. I decided I was ready to date again after a bad marriage. I put a lot of thought into it. My boys were about to be 1 year old. My thought were two fold, 1) I was thinking that since the boys were so young in the event that I had to kiss a few toads to find my price at least they wouldn't remember and 2) that in the even I found my prince I hoped that the boys would just remember him always being around (and that MY prince, well our prince really, would want to raise the boys as his own) as dad.



So being that even after working outside the home for a while I hadn't had any prospects, even though I wasn't really looking yet, I decided that I needed some help. I joined an internet dating site. I found a couple guys I briefly dated, some I met, some I only talked to. More than anything I just got hurt, not too bad though, but any hurt is enough. I think the reason was I was looking for the wrong guy! I thought that someone that had at least a child of their own would more understand what I was going through, that didn't end up being the case. I actually got stood up on my birthday and while at the bar that night with friends ran into an old friend from high school who tried to introduce me to a guy who looked a little more than slightly intoxicated but I paid no attention to him, didn't look like my type.



So around this time three years ago I had a realization; it had two parts. When I first started dating, or decided to at least, American Idol was on, Season 5 I believe. It was when they first show people trying out and highlight some. Chris Daughtry was one of those people. They told this whole little story about how he raised his girlfriend's kids as his own, and how she loved him so much, blah blah blah. I remember at the time telling my mom I needed my own Chris Daughtry! The other part of my realization was I thought I wanted someone like my step-father, yes, the man that I spent quite a lot of time hating growing up, or "dis-liking strongly" at least! He is definitely someone I would consider "a dork," some that I would think people would wonder why my mom was with him or how he got so lucky. (Of course she thinks he is amazingly sexy, and remembers him coming into high school to see his then current girlfriend with a motorcycle helmet and chest hair sticking out of the top of his shirt! more on chest hair later!) The point is though that he adores her! He would do anything for her and also loved her enough to love me too, even when I was difficult and "dis-liked him strongly!" So I thought if I could find my own "dork" that maybe didn't get a lot of luck with the girls he would think I was great! I know, it sounds terrible!



So of all places I went on myspace. Now, I do not condone my actions, I lucked out, God watched out for me. Internet dating can be dangerous, but there are safe ways to do it, not my ways though! I went looking for a man with certain age restrictions (don't remember what now), height, and asked for "children someday," I wanted them to want children, but not have any yet. So I got a bunch back from my criteria and then went through looking for the dorkier, or shall we say, "not as loved by the girls?" So then I sent out friend requests, I started with maybe 20 requests, knowing not everyone would accept. I wasn't sure the plan from this point though! So on May 29, 2006 I got a comment left for me that said "bandwith exceeded" from photobucket. Now I was still pretty new to myspace and stuff so I didn't know what it meant. So I sent a comment back to the guy saying that his comment didn't come up. He sent a message back and said he could see it and wasn't sure why. Here is the text from our first few messages (after I said I couldn't see the comment):



yeah that is weird beside it being to hot out i had a good weekend how was yours

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: not just a pretty face for ur top8Date: May 29, 2006 4:11 PM

hmmm, thats funny I still can't see it. I am sure it will reset itself eventually and then I can see it too. Hopw you had a good holiday weekend.

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: RDate: May 29, 2006 7:05 PM

i just looked its there. i dont know. i was. Thanks for the add



So then we were answering bulletins and getting to know each other that way. So then we had a funny little exchange about the bulletins and I asked if he used any messengers. He said he did and we started talking that way. I remember coming home from work and getting right on while the kids were eating to chat with him. Looking back our conversations were really funny. It was as if we were both trying to flirt with each other but do it it in a fun "joking" way so that if the other party wasn't wanting it to lead that way, it was OK, because we were just playing. Like their were these little animated icons that said funny flirting things and we would say "hey, check this one out. . .lol!" Then it grew somehow into something we started saying about "no kisses for you" from one of those icon characters that blew kisses. I remember thinking I would just keep doing it all in a fun way so that if he didn't really like me it was OK, because he would just think I was joking then. Turns out he was just a year ahead of in high school. We didn't travel in the same circles though so we didn't know each other. I did think though that since he went to my high school and knew a lot of people I knew, had a good job, he had two cars and a motorcycle (which I cleverly found out by asking, saying I could save him money since I sold insurance!)

So I was thinking I wanted to meet him, so on Saturday, June 3, 2006, we were chatting that night and started asking what the other one was doing that night. I, of course, was staying home with the twins. He said he didn't "think he was going out," so I said "well if I asked you to come over do you think you would want to" and he said yes in some clever way so we made plans. He came over that night, but only after exchanging phone numbers in case anything came up in the meantime. I had to get the boys to bed and stuff. I did have to text him and push it back a little. So then I was in our bathroom and noticed a truck outside just sitting there with him in it, I called him and told him to come in laughing at him. I met him at the front door. He came in and sat down and we watched TV. He didn't talk much so I talked incessantly! He finally left probably around 1am, I thought he was sweet but was slightly annoyed he hadn't talked but hoped that funny, flirtly guy that had been chatting with me was in there someplace. I loved he didn't try to kiss me when he left.

Sometimes I don't like being a grown up!

Sometimes I don't like being a grown up! For instance, today (and the past two weeks) I have had to make repeated phone calls to the physical therapist for R from a workers' comp claim (that is another story for another day), I have had to call the doctor's office repeatedly, and most of all the *bleep bleep bleep* workers' comp carrier! Who I have come to dislike strongly, the guy won't return any of our calls and is never in the office.

Also I got a summons for jury duty. When I was a child I always thought jury duty would have been the coolest thing! lol But now with three children 4 and under, including one that still nurses, it doesn't seem so cool! So after two phone calls and a message left for the judge, I have resorted to writing a letter and mailing it certified to the judge. Only some states give family exemptions and of course this state isn't one!

Also I am still having a really hard time with the loss of our baby since Mother's Day. I want to talk about it and of course R doesn't want to. So what am I supposed to do? I don't want to upset my husband but there are just things I need to get out.

So today is a day that I don't like being a grown up!!!!

hurting and don't know what to do. . .

So since it was Mother's Day and all I spent a lot of time thinking about the baby that we lost barely two months ago. I feel like I have no closure. I have been thinking about how I am supposed to get it. It's so hard since I was not that far along, I really have nothing except for my two pregnancy tests. Nothing to hold onto when I am upset about "the baby we lost". That last statement is something in itself that I hate. "The baby," "the baby we lost," I hate that statement. We loved that baby from the moment we conceived it. I wanted so much for that little life, even though I was a little reluctant at first. I feel like I never got to mourn the loss of our baby. I feel like our baby deserves more than to be referred to the way that we do. I brought this up to my husband. (That in itself is touchy, I like to talk about the baby so I know I won't forget, he likes to just move on and not mention it, the problem being, I want to talk to him, he doesn't want to.) So I did some research and found out a lot of people name their losses. I think this would make me feel so much better, of course it would make my husband feel worse. I also hope to eventually get some piece of jewelry to memorialize the baby. I really would like to discuss naming the baby with him further but he just doesn't feel comfortable with it. I would like a gender neutral, cute name that would just make me think of a little angel baby. I like to think about of the baby as just that, a little baby with those cute fluffy wings and a halo watching over all of us. I know that seems ridiclous to him but I would like a positive image in my mind rather than the ultrasound of my empty womb.

It is sooooooo much harder since R and I grieve so much differently. He even had a picture of the pregnancy test in his phone from when we first had taken the test and after losing the baby he deleted it, and then told me he deleted it. This was like a slap across my face and a stab in my heart. I felt like he was deleting our baby's existence from our lives, I live everyday trying to make sure that doesn't happen. So what is a couple to do?

I was given this poem by a friend and it really sums up my feelings a lot.
Just Those Few Weeks
For those few weeks--
I had you to myself
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks--
I came to know youand to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinshed baby,
or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
Poem Copyright 1984 by Susan Erling Martinez

cycle 2???

So dreaded AF(aunt flo aka my period) came today. I just want to scream. And to make matters worse I have cramps that I think are going to kill me! Come on, this sucks bad enough to not be pregnant, does it have to physically hurt too? I have no idea what we will do now. I am completly mixed about it. I WANT A BABY, but I so don't want the pain that is coming from trying and how scared I will be if I get pregnant. So for tonight, we are just going to watch Idol and see who makes the top three. . .

hurting. . .

So I have not been able to post since the last time. I just haven't been able to face not being pregnant. I started testing at 10DPO and kept with the BFN. :( I tested the third time today, day 14 DPO, and got the same result. I have some cramps now. Part of me wants to remain optimistic about this, that maybe I didn't ovulate when I thought so there is still a chance, but part of me wants to face it and just move on. But move on to what?? Right now the hurt of not being pregnant, this first month TTC after our loss, is making a lot of old hurt fresh again, like ripping the scab off a wound. Right now I honestly don't want to try again. I don't want to go through this even one more time. I wonder how much my heart can take, and my marriage. The hurt I feel going through this turns me into a "B"! That is not fair to R, but its also not fair to R to not try again. I now that some many have gone through so much worse and tried again and lived to tell about it, but right now, right at this time, this hurt I feel right now is right up there next to the hurt when I lost the baby, which was the worst hurt I, personally, have ever felt. So I guess only time will tell. God knows what the future holds, I just hope I can learn to accept it.

back to normalcy?

So tomorrow DH finally goes back to work after a very long winter! He works in construction so spends his winters home. I did have him get some stuff done around the house during the off season but not nearly as much as I wanted. I was also hoping for a little more notice, than, um, tomorrow! Oh well.

So now I will have to get up and take the big boys to school which means I will have to get J up and around to take too. DH has been taking them all winter, which worked out well, since J does not sleep through the night so it gave me some more sleep, sometimes. It also meant there were a lot of days that we sat around wondering what to do or just going to do nothing, while housework suffered. I am hoping that I can get stuff back under control, particularly laundry! I really need to do a load each and every day and get it put away before dinner or everything just gets all messed up. Once I get behind, its really hard to get caught up! The load everyday doesn't include cloth diapers. I wash those generally every third day, unless either we have had some nasty ones or on the day that I should wash them I won't be able to. I so love my cloth diapers though. I get them from www.beebabottoms.com a WAHM makes them that I met at La Leche League.

Tomorrow there is a dance kind of thing for all the head start sites so I am thinking we might attend that, they provide pizza, so I wouldn't have to cook! I think we are going to head up to bed and maybe watch a little idol up there before going to sleep. I have been so exhausted, like beyond exhausted, barely functioning. I am hoping that its a good sign and hope to get a BFP soon. This is exactly how I felt the last time, when we were on our trip in CT. I finally tested then and got a BFP, to only lose the baby a couple of weeks later. So I am now 8 DPO so I will start testing in a few days.

hmmm

Well, it was in the 90's today, yes, in April! Today was just a boring Monday. I did have a first happen today. A friend called me for breastfeeding advice. She had a preemie and is having latch problems. I told her some stuff, mostly to stick with it, which she is going to (YAY!!). It was nice to have someone trust me to ask about something that they feel I am doing successfully. Well, successfully, I have had almost 18 months of practice!

I go back to the doctor tomorrow after my bronchitis and sinus infection. I am a little nervous, my throat is still really sore and I am still really stuffy. But I am not sure what they will do since I am breastfeeding and not only TTC but in the 2WW (two week wait, time after ovulating until a ;) BFP, big fat positive, or :( your period). So we are kind of limited for drugs and one doctor wanted to refer me to a surgeon for my tonsils and adenoids but there is no way I am doing that!

Cristian also randomly got the fever today. They said he didn't eat well in school, ate great last night though, and then tonight he fell asleep before dinner and then wouldn't eat. After a bout 20 minutes of tylenol, he was starving! We will see what tomorrow brings!

tragedy gets worse

So this will be quick. DH and I want some alone time while everyone is sleeping! So I found out today that one of the survivors from the crash yesterday was a guy I graduated from HS with. His brother didn't make it and the brother's wife was on with him and six months pregnant. I guess they took the baby but it was just two soon and she didn't make it. The baby was a little girl I guess. Its hitting was close to home for DH and I since he wants a little girl so badly and we so just recently lost a baby. Part of me is angry that someone would even be on a bike that pregnant but they are getting a lot of flack on the newspaper website, who is doing a lot of shady reporting on it to begin with, from commenters so I will lay my judgement aside to only pray for this family that has experienced so much loss in such a short time. DH and I are praying a lot for them all. I trying to unite some class firends on facebook to do the same as well. Facebook is wonderful in that we are able is get out info so quickly.

terrible, terrible day

So, my morning started out great. J slept about 11 1/2 hours last night! This is a first since he was about 2 or 3 months old! So I brought him into bed with me to nurse him, DH was gone to help his cousin pour concrete, and he nursed very hard for about 5 minutes, then sat home and projectile vomited all over me. Thank God it was only my own breast milk, so it doesn't really bother me at all. Then he seemed a little better and nursed more. We all came downstairs. The big boys ate and J didn't want to, more because he thought his waffle was too hot though. So then the morning went on well. DH came home and did some work outside. I should also say that A had a slight fever yesterday. My twins occasionally get random fevers with no other symptoms.

The twins' speech therapist was coming for a session. I had cleaned. The ST came and all went well. J was acting better. Towards the end of the session DH got a fire call and I told him to go. My parents invited us for dinner so we were planning on doing that too. After the ST left I got the boys around and went to the van. We were going to try to get a look at the brush fire but it was a ways out so I gave up and headed back to go to the grocery store to get chips to take to dinner. There is basically only one grocery store that always has carts I can take all three kids in to the store alone and its across town. So I was heading up a local highway 2 lanes on each side divided by a median, 40 mph speed limit, heard a call for the local fire department, saying a motorcycle accident with three bikes on the very street I was on.

I looked up it was right there. I slowed way down and got in the opposite lane from it. I thought about what I should do, but its not like I am trained responder and I also had three kids with me so I just went by. I saw bikes and people laying everywhere it seemed. I will spare the gory details. I took the exit right by my house to pull over, DH called somewhere along the line because he knew I was out and headed in that direction. I was of course frantic after seeing everything so I was freaking out then finally managed to get him to understand that I wasn't involved but just saw it. So then I called my mom to see if we could just head over there. In the time that happened when I went back on the highway in the opposite direction they were already speeding one person away faster than I knew an ambulance could go. The highway on that side was closed until at least dark. We heard one girl was 6 months pregnant which basically angers me after losing a baby that someone could be so careless with a baby's life.

So to try to get this finished up, we do know at least one person was DOA. J ended up getting sick again as we went to go in my mom's house. So he just kind sat with me the rest of the day. DH ended up going out and I know I won't be able to sleep without him but think I will go try to rest on the couch. . .

So day 2 and I am already not doing well blogging it seems! Now I am at the club blogging from here since I never got time earlier. Is it sadder I am blogging from the club or that I am even at the club but not drinking since I am hoping there is a little swimmer doing a dance with an egg and working its way to a nice cozy spot to stick for another 37 weeks or so? The "club," BTW is the local Eagles club where DH is a member. He is playing shuffleboard currently. I refused to play because well, basically I suck! If the object was to get all the quakes off the table or no where close to the line I have the capacity to be good at it.



Well, enough of looking like one of those freaks that never puts away their phone!

1DPO and day one blogging!

So I think I am one DPO (days past ovulation). Not 100% sure since I only got a sort of positive on my OPK on Monday afternoon. I am going to go with Wednesday for my big O! lol Just feeling really impatient and terrified. I don't want to lose another. Sometimes I feel so scared I feel we shouldn't have even tried again. I wonder so often how people have taken one loss after another. I wasn't convinced we should have been trying when we lost the last one and now I forever will carry that guilt around that I wasn't convinced that I wanted the baby. I was miserable at first and just as soon as I was adjusting the baby was gone. So now I live with that guilt.

Here is some background since I am just starting this. I am J, I am 31, just for a couple of weeks! lol I have a DH, R (husband -for those not up witht his lingo!). Then I have twin sons, A and C from my first marriage. They just turned 4 a couple months ago. Then I have J, my 17, almost 18, month old son. Also I have my little sister who is almost 18 that lives with us, L. Are you following all this so far?

I am a SAHM, stay at home mom. (Boy, it seems like a lifetime ago that I learned all these terms now I use them like nothing and have to explain them to others!). DH is a driver for construction company. L is a lifeguard. A and C are in headstart. I am also the chairperson for the headstart council program here. I do a ton of other things too, more will come on that in time.

So how was that for my first blog post? I am not 100% sure about my plan for this, right now jsut want a place to express stuff and have to document my journies, in life, ttc. . .